


Save his Breath

by Starlight1395



Category: ASTRO (Band), Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Astro - Freeform, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Past Suicide, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, body issues, crossovers, monsta x - Freeform, past self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Sanha found himself staring out at the water, wondering how everything had ended up like this. He recalled the fight he had with Jinwoo, and the heartless words his leader said to him to make him snap.Strong arms pulled Sanha back onto the right side of the rails, and in that moment Sanha realized his story wasn't quite over yet.Sanha didn't know his life would change so much when he met Wonho from Monsta X. He didn't know the support he was about to get, nor the challenges he was about to face. He didn't know the difference he was about to make either.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are references to my last fic, IM Strong, within this fic. It shouldn't be so much that you can't read this without that one first, but if you want to understand some of the references, I recommend giving it a quick read. It's only five chapters.

“How about you take your head out of your ass and be a friend for once!” Sanha screamed, all sense of respect for his leader gone in the heat of the moment. “You’re so obsessed with being leader that you forgot to be a hyung. You not my brother, Jinwoo. You’re just a fuckin fake!”

“Yoon Sanha,” Jinwoo didn’t normally raise his voice. In fact, since they began training, the other members of Astro had never heard their leader raise his voice past a shout. This was something so much more though, a deep growl that seemed to emanate rage. “You have three seconds to get on the floor and apologize to me or-”

“Or what, hyung?” He spat out the honorific bitterly. “Are you going to send me to my room? Oh wait, you were the one to force me out! Go ahead! Punish me! I don’t care anymore. All you had to do was ask, but you never cared that much, did you?”

“What the fuck-”

“Sanha, you know that isn’t true.” MJ tried to say, but Sanha just turned his anger on him.

“And you. You only ever take Jinwoo’s side. You’ve never stopped to think, have you? None of you have. You always side with Jinwoo! To you, I’m just a stupid child! I see how you treat me – how you talk down to me. I know what you say behind my back. You know how? Because I’m not stupid! I’m not a child! But god forbid you see me as an adult, because then you’d have to learn to respect me-”

Sanha’s rant was cut short by a stinging on his cheek. He blinked past the tears that were blurring his vision and saw Jinwoo rubbing his palm. Sanha’s own hand came up to cover the finger prints that were starting to appear on his face. Everyone was frozen, even Jinwoo. Without another word, Sanha dropped his hand to his side and ran from the dorm. He heard someone call after him, but his sadness and rage were roaring so loudly in his ears that he easily ignored them.

His legs took him far away from the dorms. He had never been the most athletic, but the adrenaline coursing through his lanky body kept his feet pounding against the concrete until he all but collapsed against the railing of a bridge. He glanced around and realized he had no idea where he was. Nothing looked familiar at all, not even the street names. His stomach rolled, but he found it hard to care.

Yoon Sanha had found it hard to care for a long time.

Part of him had hoped one of his hyungs would notice and ask him. Notice the bags under his eyes and the way his bones seemed to stick out even more and the wounds that would appear all over his pale skin and ask if he was okay. He hoped they would ask and show that they cared – that they actually valued their maknae. Instead, it was always ‘Sanha why are you so slow today?’ and ‘The makeup artists are going to have a field day when they see those bags’ and the worst, ‘You should be more careful, otherwise people will think you’re some kind of cutter with those scars’. Sanha had snapped at that. Jinwoo had dragged him out of his room to say just that, right to Sanha’s face. Sanha had finally had enough.

He rested his forehead against the cold metal of the railing and watched the angry water below churn and fight with itself. It was a fairly large bridge, at least twenty feet to the water. Sanha could see the tips of rocks and what looked like the remains of a car in the water and mused faintly that it would be enough to kill someone.

Sanha straightened slowly, as if his limbs were being controlled. It was effortless for him to swing his legs over the railing. The ledge between the rail and the water was surprisingly wide – maybe for workers to fix the bridge? His toes hung over the edge. One of his hands slowly fell from the metal railing, the other just barely hanging onto the one thing keeping him steady. He stared down to the water and realized he wasn’t feeling anything at all. He always thought when he finally killed himself there would be some apprehension, or relief, but he couldn’t feel anything. His other hand fell to his side. A light breeze blew through, causing Sanha to sway slightly but not enough to make him fall. Not yet at least.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, but he ignored it. Part of him wanted to take a picture of the view. Without the railing in front of him, the water was beautiful. He could see all the way to the other side, where green trees were covering the small hills and where the fishing boats were bobbing on the surface, their sails creating a rainbow. It was poetic, how across the river it was so serene while right there the water was bashing the supports of the bridge like it was trying to collapse the whole structure. The water would get its sacrifice soon enough.

Sanha let a small smile grace his face, his eyes still staring blankly downwards. Just as he was about to lean forward, he felt arms wrap around his waist. The small of his back slammed against the railing painfully and he couldn’t hold back a small cry. He weakly tried to fight whoever was holding him, but they had a vice like grip on his small waist.

He stopped fighting, and the person holding him carefully pulled him over the railing again. Sanha collapsed into the arms of whoever pulled him back over, his body wracked with sobs. The person held him tight and whispered nonsense comfort words into his hair until he managed to calm down enough to stop sobbing. Finally, Sanha pulled away to see who had stopped him.

The man was familiar, but Sanha couldn’t figure out why. He was muscular, but not in an intimidating way. In fact, he looked soft despite his bulk. His face made Sanha self-conscious about his own flawless skin, but what he noticed the most was how the man had tears running down his face. The man took one look at Sanha and pulled the boy back into his chest.

“You gave me a heart attack.” The man said, his voice cracking.

“Why?”

“What?” The man pulled back again. Sanha felt numb.

“Why did you stop me?” He asked, his voice holding little strength. The man tensed.

“Because I almost lost someone very, very close to me to suicide and I refuse to let anyone go through what he did.” He said carefully. Sanha could hear a faint lisp in his words, and he let the man pull him into his chest again.

“I’m sorry…” Sanha whimpered, not entirely sure who he was apologizing to. To the man? To himself?

“Hey, I’m going to bring you back to my dorm, okay? I’m sure Kihyunnie won’t mind making an extra serving,” The man looked Sanha once over and grimaced a little. “Or two. When was the last time you ate anything?”

“Don’t remember.” Sanha murmured. The situation was just starting to settle onto the boy. He had screamed and cursed at his members. He had ran far away from home. He had almost killed himself. Sanha had almost killed himself. He had climbed over the railing and was about to throw himself into the water. If the man hadn’t stopped him, Sanha would be dead right now.

“Come on kid, you’re shaking like a leaf,” The man said, kneeling down so Sanha could climb onto his back. Sanha’s legs stuck out oddly, but the man seemed to carry him easily despite his awkward height. “I’m Wonho, but you can call me hyung if you want.”

“Sanha.” He responded faintly. He knew why the man seemed so familiar now. Astro had never formally met Monsta X, but how could you be in this industry and not know of them?

“Come on Sanha-ya, you’re gonna love the guys,” Wonho rambled on as they walked, never seeming to get tired or out of breath despite carrying another human being. “So how old are you Sanha-ya?”

“I just turned eighteen a few weeks ago.” Sanha said softly. He felt Wonho tense under him. The elder took a shaky breath.

“So young…” He seemed to whisper to himself. Sanha sagged against his back, feeling his eyes fill with tears again. They silently trailed down his face as they continued walking in silence. Wonho didn’t comment as he felt warmth soaking into his shoulder.

Sanha must have dozed off because after what seemed like just a second closing his eyes, he was gently jostled awake before being set down on his feet.

“Ah, sorry for waking you up,” Wonho said carefully. “We’re here.”

“Sorry…” Sanha mumbled. It was clear Wonho wanted to say something – probably to tell him not to apologize – but the door burst open at that exact moment.

“That lazy, good for nothing hyung was supposed to be back ages ago with my ice cream-” Minhyuk stopped his rant short when he saw Wonho and a strange, lanky boy standing on the doorstep. He took one look at Sanha’s red eyes and stepped aside.

“You never fail to give me the best welcome.” Wonho said, trying to lighten the mood. Sanha chuckled a little behind him, which made the elder smile.

“Um, hyung is everything alright?” Minhyuk asked carefully.

“It’s best to explain to everyone.” He said, gently ushering Sanha into the dorm. It was pretty standard, with a living room area, a kitchen and a short hallway that had several doors which were the bedrooms, if this dorm was anything like his own.

“Hyung?” Jooheon asked from the couch. He was upside down, trying to watch television while his face turned redder and redder.

“Could you get everyone together?” He asked the rapper, who flipped over with all the grace of a beached whale and nodded before going to find the others. “Here, Sanha-ya. Why don’t you sit? Would you like some tea? I was going to make some for myself.” Sanha hesitated, but if Wonho was going to be making some anyway, it couldn’t hurt.

“Um, yes please.” He said, looking at his hands.

“No need to be so formal,” Wonho grinned and ruffled Sanha’s hair. “You want sugar? I’ll give you sugar. You could probably use it after what happened.”

When Wonho left, Sanha felt his phone buzz again. He slipped it out of his pocket and sucked in a sharp breath. Almost one hundred messages, fifty voice mails and messages on multiple social media platforms. From Jinwoo mostly, but Sanha saw messages from his other hyungs and even some from his manager. He felt a pang of guilt, which was instantly followed by a wave of rage. Without opening anything, Sanha erased the messages and turned his phone off. Wonho came back with two mugs, followed by six others.

He sat down next to Sanha and carefully handed the boy the mug. Sanha took it with both hands, so the trembling in his fingers wouldn’t send the cup crashing down into the worn carpet under his feet.

“Sanha, can I tell the others what happened?” Wonho asked gently, looking Sanha in the eye. The younger tensed but nodded before turning his attention back to the tea. It was too hot to drink, but it smelled nice and the warmth was definitely helping to calm his nerves. “I pulled him from the wrong side of the rails on that bridge by the convenience store.” There was a collective gasp.

“How old are you Sanha?” Kihyun asked, moving to kneel in front of the boy.

“I just turned eighteen.” He answered carefully.

“Do your hyungs know where you are?” Kihyun could tell by the way the younger froze that they didn’t know. “Were… were they involved in why you were on the other side of the rails?” Kihyun could see the faint hand print on the boy’s face, and the possibilities of how it got there scared him. Sanha didn’t answer verbally, but the sudden cascade of tears told everyone what they wanted to know. Kihyun sat on the other side of Sanha and pulled the younger boy’s head to his shoulder. He let Sanha cry as he wrapped his arms around the boy’s too thin waist.

“Wonho-ya…” Hyunwoo called for the other to follow him into the kitchen. Sanha didn’t seem to notice when Wonho stood.

“Hyung, listen. I couldn’t leave him there! He… he reminded me so much of Changkyun that-”

“I’m not going to scold you,” Hyunwoo said gently. Wonho’s shoulders dropped in relief. “I just, wanted to talk to you about what we do next. Obviously we can’t keep him here forever. Astro is a new group. They need all their members to succeed. But… we obviously can’t send him back in this state.”

“Why don’t we let him stay for a few days and see if there’s any way to control the situation? Play mediator between him and his members? Obviously something really bad happened if he’s afraid to go back to his dorms.”

“What makes you think he’s afraid?”

“I can just tell. He started shaking when Kihyun asked if his hyungs knew where he was.” Wonho grimaced, seeing a familiar face doing the same thing in regards to them in his mind.

“I’ll talk to our manager in the morning. For now I say we try to comfort him and maybe shove as much food into him as we can. He looks like a walking skeleton.”

“He weighed close to nothing,” Wonho recalled how horrified he had been when he was able to carry the boy with no effort at all. “I lift more at the gym on light days.”

“That’s not good…” Hyunwoo muttered, rubbing his chin. “We just… we’ll just have to show him that he’s cared for I guess.”

“That’s all we can do.” Wonho said, his voice strained. Hyunwoo looked at him oddly.

“Wonho-ya, what’s on your mind?” He asked. Over the years, he had become much better at being emotional support for his members. Wonho let out a shaky breath.

“He just… he looked so much like Changkyun when I pulled him over the railing,” A single tear ran down his face. “He looked so… dead. His eyes… fuck hyung, they looked just like Changkyunnie’s when we found him-”

Hyunwoo cut Wonho off by pulling the younger into a tight embrace. Wonho sobbed into his leader’s shoulder, and Hyunwoo let him. After a minute or so Wonho was able to gather himself and pull away.

“Are you alright?” Hyunwoo asked, placing both hands on Wonho’s shoulders.

“Yeah, thanks hyung.” He said with a sniffle and a smile.

“Let’s get back out to Sanha-ya.” He nodded and let his hands drop from Wonho’s shoulders. The two made their way back to the living room. They were greeted with the sight of Sanha being the filling to a boy-sandwich, with Changkyun and Jooheon on either side. They were purposely pushing inwards, trying to crush the younger boy. Sanha was cackling, his laughs cracking as the older two boys pushed in harder. Minhyuk had been waiting for the right time to throw himself onto the trio, causing them all to fall off the couch with a cry. Kihyun and Hyungwon had been watching from the other side of the room, faint smiles on their face. Wonho could see how Hyungwon and Kihyun seemed to be watching the scene with eagle eyes. They had all gotten far too used to being hyper-vigilant.

“Sanha-ya, are you hungry?” Hyunwoo asked. When the leader spoke, the rough housing paused. Sanha looked up at the man that looked more like a teddy bear than anything else. He tried untangling himself from the limbs of the other three but quickly gave up.

“Um, sort of?” He posed the answer like a question. Wonho quickly leaned over to whisper into Hyunwoo’s ear.

“He said he couldn’t remember the last time he ate,” he said quickly. “Definitely signs of an ED so we should be careful.” Hyunwoo nodded. They were very familiar with eating disorders, unfortunately.

“What about something light? It wouldn’t be good if you got a stomach ache.” He offered gently. Sanha smiled and nodded, not seeing the sharp look Hyungwon gave the boy. Sanha finally managed to untangle his limbs and stood, cracking his back.

“So Sanha-ya,” Changkyun said once they were seated on the couch again. Jooheon sat with them, but Hyungwon had gone to the kitchen to help with dinner and Kihyun followed to prevent anything from catching on fire. “Tell me about Astro. I know you guys, obviously, but hearing the dirt first hand is always the best.”

“We hear the funniest things about Seventeen,” Jooheon chimed in with a grin that turned his eyes into slits. “It’s hilarious because they’re all stories that no one else knows so we can use it as blackmail.” Sanha chuckled at that.

“Well, there really isn’t much to tell. Minhyuk hyung always gets in trouble for drinking straight from the carton. Bin hyung is really superstitious with the stupidest things. He won’t walk under an open ladder and once he cried for two hours because he broke a mirror. Dongmin hyung is really popular, especially because of his dramas, but he’s so awkward around girls. I thought I was bad but he gets all red and runs away,” Sanha giggled, feeling his chest lighten a little. “Jinwoo hyung can be really strict, but that’s cuz he’s really hard on himself. He take it out on us sometimes, but I know he doesn’t mean to… when he isn’t stressed he’s really funny. Him and MJ hyung would have made a good comedy duo if they hadn’t debuted. MJ hyung is the oldest but he’s so short and silly. Sometimes we forget he’s the oldest.”

“Sounds like you have good hyung looking after you.” Changkyun said warmly. Sanha froze and Changkyun wanted to take the words back instantly.

“They’re…” Sanha didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words. His feelings were swirling around his mind like a hurricane and every time he tried to form a sentence the words were ripped away from him.

“Did they have something to do with how Wonho hyung found you?” Jooheon asked softly. Sanha gave the floor a tight-lipped smile.

“Um, yeah… kind of.”

“Did something happen?” Changkyun rubbed the younger boy’s back, hoping to bring him some comfort. Sanha took a shaking breath.

“We got into a fight,” He said, his voice taunt with tears. “Jinwoo hyung said something that made me… snap. I screamed at him. Called him names… cursed at him. I screamed at the others too, before I stormed out and ran away. I just couldn’t be around them anymore.”

“Oh Sanha.” Changkyun pulled the boy into a hug. Jooheon wrapped his arms around them both. Sanha leaned into the embrace, letting the collective warmth from the other two boys seep into his bones. He cracked his eyes open a bit and saw Changkyun’s bare arm. There was a thick, pink scar traveling from his wrist to his elbow. There were smaller scars along it – stitches, Sanha realized with a sinking stomach.

Sanha found himself crying again. He didn’t exactly know why. Maybe it was because the happy boy holding him had been in the same place he was. Maybe Changkyun was still in that place. It was obvious then that the person Wonho had been talking about was his own maknae, and the knowledge made Sanha’s stomach flip. He sobbed and sobbed, letting all the emotions come crashing down on him. The arms around him tightened, and for the first time in a long while he felt safe.

Changkyun knew Sanha had fallen asleep when the sobs had stopped. The boy occasionally gave a sniffle, but his breathing had finally evened out. Changkyun saw how young Sanha looked, and felt his heart break. They were about the same age when Changkyun had gone through his own problems. Eighteen was too young to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. He easily picked up the sleeping boy, almost throwing him. He hadn’t expected Sanha to be quite so light. Without a word, he carried the boy to his room and laid him down on his bed. He could hear his hyungs moving around in the kitchen, but he knew first hand that what Sanha needed the most in that moment was sleep. Food would come right after he woke, but Sanha needed this.

As Changkyun tried to leave, Sanha snagged the hem of his shirt. The boy was still half asleep, but fresh tears were making their way down his cheeks. Changkyun sat on the edge of the bed and Sanha instantly curled into his waist. Changkyun let the younger boy wrap his arms around his stomach and bury his face in his thigh as he ran his fingers through the younger’s dyed hair. Soon, Sanha calmed down again and fell back into a deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinwoo realizes his mistake and Changkyun opens up to Sanha in hopes of getting the younger boy to do the same

“I’m sorry hyung, but are you fucking stupid?” Dongmin hissed at Jinwoo. Jinwoo managed to tear his gaze away from the door, still open from when Sanha had ran out moments before. “What in the ever loving hell did you say to that boy? Sanha has never, and I mean _neve_ r, yelled at us before. What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Jinwoo defended himself. “I didn’t think I did…”

“What did you say to him? Everything was fine, then all of a sudden he was screaming.” MJ placed a hand on Jinwoo’s shoulder. The leader took a deep breath, trying to remember what caused the youngest to snap so suddenly.

“I told him he needed to get out of bed,” he said slowly, staring at the floor. “I saw the scratches on his arms and…” His face went white.

“And?” Dongmin pressed, his teeth clenching in anger. He knew where this was going.

“I… I said he needed to be careful… or else people m-might thing he’s a…”

“A what, Jinwoo? What did you call Sanha?”

“A cutter?” Jinwoo felt his stomach fall to the ground. He didn’t think twice about the words when he said them, but he instantly realized his mistake. “Oh god… Shit, you don’t think?”

“Hyung, what the fuck?” Minhyuk could only stare at his leader in shock. He never thought the shorter boy could be capable of saying something so heartless.

“How was I supposed to know it would affect him like that?” Jinwoo was close to tears. Between Sanha running out and the glares being given to him by his members, he felt like a failure. He felt like an absolute, miserable failure and there was nothing he could do.

“Wait, what if he does?” MJ said quietly. It was unusual to hear the eldest be so quiet. His words made everyone’s heart stutter.

“W-what if he does what?” Minhyuk didn’t want to believe it. He refused.

“What if he does hurt himself?” The room seemed to drop ten degrees.

“Oh god…” Bin whispered in horror, bits and pieces of the maknae’s behavior were starting to make sense and it filled his stomach with dread.

“That… explains a lot…” Minhyuk said without any emotion. “Why he sleeps so much… why he hasn’t been eating. Why he’s always wearing long sleeves…”

“Why there was blood on the bathroom floor?” Bin asked, scared. All eyes turned to him.

“Bin, what do you mean?” Jinwoo turned to face the taller boy, who was white as a sheet.

“A few weeks ago,” He said, eyes filling with tears. “There was blood on the floor, but it was just a drop or two so I figured someone got cut shaving or something. I completely forgot about it until just now.”

“This is so bad…” Jinwoo felt his breathing pick up. He had hurt Sanha badly enough to scream and curse at him. Sanha, who was hurting enough to take it out on himself. Sanha who was now running away from them in a blind rage. “What if he does something to himself?” He all but screeched. Tears started flowing down his face and everyone froze. Jinwoo wasn’t the kind to cry often. They had seen him tear up at sad movies, and they saw him cry once at a particularly heartwarming performance, but never like this – sobs wracking his body and his breathing bordering on hyperventilating.

“We’ll figure something out, okay?” MJ tried rubbing Jinwoo’s back, only to have his hand tossed aside.

“We have to go after him,” Jinwoo was already heading to the door, not bothering to grab a jacket or change his slippers. “Start calling him. Someone call the manager. We have to find him. Now.” He started running in the direction that felt right and he just prayed he found his maknae before it was too late.

* * *

  
“Sanha-ya? You should eat something, yeah?” A soft voice woke Sanha up. He blinked and scrunched his eyes tight to fight against the ranging headache that was threatening to make him throw up. “Oh, you probably have a headache after crying. We have some painkillers in the kitchen.” Sanha finally managed to open his eyes and saw Hyungwon standing awkwardly between the door and the bed.

“What time is it?” He asked groggily, sitting up slowly as not to make the headache worse.

“A little past eight in the evening,” Hyungwon said. “We saved you some dinner if you’re hungry. Changkyun-ah said you needed to sleep for a bit so we let you nap.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.” Sanha stuttered, bowing slightly. Hyungwon seemed shocked and bowed back. Both straightened at the same time and made eye contact before laughing.

“Come on, I’m sure Wonho hyung is dying to see you.” Hyungwon left first, and Sanha quickly trailed behind him. Sanha wasn’t used to being around people who were the same height as him, so walking next to Hyungwon was almost special to him.

“Ah, morning sunshine!” Minhyuk called from the kitchen. He wasn’t cooking – Wonho later explained that Hyungwon and Minhyuk were both banned from actually trying to cook anything – but was sitting at the table reading a book.

“Morning,” Sanha responded sleepily. He perked up when he realized his mistake. “I mean, evening?”

“I found your phone under the couch,” Hyunwoo came over and placed an already heated plate of food and three little pills on the table, gesturing for Sanha to sit. “It was turned off, but I plugged it in anyway.”

“Thank you hyung.” Sanha said, feeling guilty. He knew the second he turned his phone on it was going to explode with messages and voicemails, but he really didn’t want to deal with any of that. Not when he had such an awful headache. Especially not when he was finally starting to feel less numb inside.

“Now, I know you won’t want to talk to your band members just yet, so I won’t make you turn the phone on just yet,” Hyunwoo sat across from Sanha. “But you do know the longer you wait, the messier it’s going to be, right?”

“I know…” Sanha seemed to deflate. Hyunwoo wanted to smack himself for not wording it better, but before he could apologize Sanha was digging into the meal. It wasn’t much, just some grilled chicken and veggies. Kihyun had made it in hopes that it wouldn’t upset the boy’s stomach. When Hyungwon had the majority of his own issues, it was one of the only meals he was able to keep down. Sanha seemed to be doing a good job with it.

He ate in silence as Minhyuk read his book and Hyunwoo scrolled on his phone. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence at all. In fact, it was the kind of silence that said they were treating him like one of their own. He ate until the plate was empty, even though it meant his stomach was violently protesting about the sudden amount of food in it. He didn’t what Kihyun’s efforts to go to waste.

“Deep breath, Sanha-ya,” A slow voice said next to his ear. He obeyed and began to calm his breathing. It took a bit, but soon the nausea growing started to settle down. “See, you did it. I’m really proud of you.” Sanha looked over at Hyungwon, who was giving him a warm smile. Sanha felt tears in his eyes and he quickly tried to blink them away. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk took their cue to exit the kitchen as quietly as possible.

“Why are you proud of me?” He mumbled as he finally took the painkillers for his head.

“I know how hard it can be to keep food down, and you ate quite a bit. If you think you’re going to throw up, though, the bathroom is the first right in the hallway.”

“I don’t…” he wanted to argue, to say he didn’t want to throw up. That, however, would be a lie.

“Trust me, kid,” Hyungwon sat down next to him. “I can guarantee eating is better than whatever you’re doing to yourself.”

“I’m not-” Sanha cut himself off, shaking his head. He didn’t want to admit he starved himself, simply because he liked the control it gave him.

“I’m proud of you Sanha,” Hyungwon took his hand and traced the faint scars on his pointer and middle fingers with his thumb. Sanha tensed and wanted to pull away, but then he saw the same scars on the older boy and relaxed. “I know this industry isn’t kind to people like us, but at least we have each other, right?”

“Yeah, I guess we do.” Sanha said with a small smile.

“You’re probably going to be going home tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure you had my number – just in case, you know?”

“Hyung I-”

“And no arguing,” Hyungwon smiled. “We all want to make sure you have our numbers. Changkyun-ah and Wonho hyung especially.”

“Can I asked a question?” Sanha sounded hesitant.

“You can ask anything, but I can’t guarantee I can answer.”

“Does Wonho hyung ask to be called Wonho for a reason? Isn’t his real name Hoseok?” Sanha found it strange that the older idol was so insistent to be called his stage name, and knew there must be some reason behind it.

“Ah, see I’m not sure it’s my place to say why,” Hyungwon scratched the back of his head. “Let’s just say he’s had bad experiences attached to that name.”

“I see.” Sanha said, nodding. He was still curious, but it made sense.

“You’re a smart kid.” Hyungwon said suddenly, causing Sanha to jump a little in his seat. He blushed and looked down at his lap.

“I’m really not,” he said immediately. “My hyungs always tell me how dumb I can be. I’m not smart.”

“Sanha-ya, look at me,” Hyungwon lifted his chin with his finger and make the younger boy look him in the eye. “You can do dumb things without being dumb. I can’t say that you’ve never done something that was a little dumb, but I can say that you are not a dumb person. You asked questions, and knew when to stop. That’s something you need some brains to do. Every single one of us has done some pretty stupid things, but that doesn’t make us stupid people. Do you understand?”

“Y-yes hyung.” Sanha felt shame as he started tearing up again. He didn’t know how badly he needed to hear that until he did.

“Good,” Hyungwon dropped his chin. “Anyway, you probably won’t be going back to sleep anytime soon because of your nap, and I won’t be going to sleep anytime soon because of my horrendous sleep schedule. The only logical thing to do would be to watch crappy movies until we pass out on the couch, right?”

“Right.” Sanha grinned and Hyungwon wanted to protect him against anything the world might throw at him.

“First, go get changed. I’m the only one close to your height and body type so I left some pajamas on the couch.”

“Yes hyung.” Sanha scrambled from the kitchen to grab the small bundle of clothes and made a bee line for the bathroom. He heard Hyungwon moving around in the kitchen as he closed the door. He immediately noticed there was no lock, but there was evidence that there had been one at one time. Another thing that caught his eye briefly was how the middle of the floor seemed whiter than the rest, even if that white had been dulled a little with dirt.

He unfolded the clothes and saw with horror that it was shorts and a t-shirt. He froze, his mind instantly jumping to the scars on his body. Then he remembered the scar on Changkyun’s arm and realized they wouldn’t yell at him for the marks. They wouldn’t be disappointed, like his own hyungs would be if they ever found out.

Slipping out of his jeans, Sanha found himself on the verge of tears again. How had everything gone so wrong in just one day? He pulled up the shorts only to see that they were way too big for him. His already small waist had all but vanished from his lack of nutrition. He could see how his stomach slightly extended from dinner and suddenly itched to shove his fingers down his throat – to gather some control seeing how everything that day had gone wildly wrong.

He fought back the urge and pulled the drawstrings as tight as they could go before changing his shirt as well. The t-shirt, which looked like it would have been a little big on Hyungwon, seemed to drown the boy. He quickly washed his face and folded his own clothes before going to meet Hyungwon in the living room. The older boy had also changed into plaid sleep pants and a graphic tee of some American metal band.

“So I found a few, but I was waiting so you could pick,” Hyungwon said from the couch. Sanha sat next to him, leaving a small space. As soon as he settled in, Hyungwon’s arms snaked around and yanked him close. “I know I’m cold, so you must be too.” Was the only explanation that he gave for his actions. Sanha just nodded and pointed to one of the movies the older boy had picked. He didn’t know what it was about, but there was a man with a mustache on a Segway so it was bound to be interesting. Sanha found himself curling into Hyungwon’s side, feeling safe with the older idol.

Hyungwon looked down less than halfway through the movie and saw that Sanha had fallen asleep. He was sleeping soundlessly against his side, the younger’s eyelashes long enough to brush his cheek. Hyungwon remembered vaguely when Astro first debuted, how plump and round the maknae’s face had seemed. Now, the boy looked gaunt and haunted, like a skeleton. He shuddered, thinking back to how frail he himself had been, all those years ago. Sure, he would never look like Hyunwoo or Wonho, but Hyungwon was back at a weight that was healthy – a weight that years ago would have sent him spiraling back into bad habits.

The movie flashed and Hyungwon saw what the boy had been hiding. His arms and legs were scattered with small scars, most only an inch or two long. There was no rhyme or reason to the marks, and Hyungwon could see how some were deeper than others. His legs where in the same condition, if not worse. There the older boy could see deeper scars, burns from what had to have been cigarettes and words carved into the flesh. Though it hurt him to see them at all, it gave Hyungwon some comfort to see that they were old and fading, the letters barely visible.

He lifted the younger boy without any strain and carried him to his room. Wonho and Minhyuk were already in their beds, but Hyungwon could see a light from a phone coming from Wonho’s bed. He carefully placed the boy on his own bed before sitting next to his hyung.

“How is he?” Wonho whispered.

“Sleeping. He ate everything that Kihyun saved for him, which was a bit of a surprise,” Hyungwon tried to keep his voice as quiet as possible. “Tomorrow is going to really messy isn’t it?”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” Wonho ran a hand over his tired face and sighed.

“Go to sleep, hyung,” Hyungwon said nudging the older boy with his elbow. “Whatever happens is going to happen, so it’s better to be rested for when it does.”

“Ah, you’re so smart Wonnie.” Wonho said with a tired smile. Hyungwon just rolled his eyes and threw the blanket over the other boy’s head.

“Goodnight hyung.”

“Night Hyungwon… Goodnight Sanha.”

* * *

  
“Oh man…” Sanha was close to tears. His phone was sitting in front of him on the kitchen. The others crowded around him, some offering physical support by rubbing his back or taking his hand, while the rest gave their support through just being there. “I’m scared.” He whispered.

“I know, but you can do this,” Kihyun said warmly.

“If you want, one of us can call for you. Maybe explain the situation?” Wonho suggested. Sanha looked like he was going to accept the offer for a moment before swallowing thickly and shaking his head.

“I…I have to do it,” He said quietly. “It’s my fault everyone is in this mess to begin with.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Kihyun was quick to scold the boy. “No matter what happens, you cannot blame yourself, okay?”

“Alright hyung.” He mumbled, blinking back tears. With shaking hands, Sanha turned his phone back on. It seemed to take years before the white screen faded and his lock screen reappeared. It took a second of silence before it started blowing up. Hundreds of messages, hundreds of voicemails. Emails from the manager, from the company, from the PD of Fantaigo himself. Sanha felt his nerves give out and he tried to leave the kitchen. Warm arms around his waist kept him from running away again. He choked back a sob and dialed Jinwoo’s number, putting the phone on speaker. It rang twice before it was picked up.

_“Sanha? Oh my god are you okay? Please say you’re okay? I’m so fucking sorry for everything I’ve said. I’m so fuckin’ stupid. I’m so sorry Sanha please just be okay. I’m so sorry. Please, please just tell me- tell me you’re okay. Please.”_ Jinwoo was sobbing hysterically on the other side. Sanha had never heard his leader sob or curse before but he had done both just then. Sanha unfroze after a moment and cleared his throat.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay hyung,” He said lamely. The arms around his waist tightened. “I’m so sorry for blowing up at you and… and for running away and for not answering any of your calls. I was just… I was just so mad and then I was so scared.”

_“It’s okay,”_ Jinwoo was sobbing again and Sanha felt a stab in his heart. _“Please don’t apologize. You had every reason to be upset with me. I’m so sorry for being so insensitive and… and blind! How could I have said those things to you? And when you ran out, all we could think of was… was something bad happening to you. God, Sanha I’m so sorry… Where are you? We were about to send out a missing persons’ report. Are you safe? Are you being held hostage?”_

“I’m safe hyung,” Sanha felt the guilt eating away at him. He had caused so many problems. If only he had taken Jinwoo’s harsh words like usual, none of this would be happening. “I um… ran into Wonho hyung and he took me back to his dorm for the night.”

_“Wonho? Like from Monsta X?_ ” Jinwoo had stopped crying, but Sanha could still hear how scratchy the rapper’s normally smooth voice was.

“Um, yeah… but it’s okay. I’m… safe.” He finished lamely.

“Why don’t I talk to Jinwoo-ya for a minute?” Wonho asked from behind Sanha. His arms left Sanha’s waist and he picked up the phone, quickly turning off speaker and bringing it up to his ear. He left the kitchen, but Sanha could still barely hear his voice.

“Oh man… I messed everything up, didn’t I?” Sanha said out loud before barking out a sob.

“No, no, no you didn’t mess anything up.” Changkyun was the first to speak up.

“Yeah, you’re okay Sanha.” Jooheon rubbed the younger boy’s back.

“They were going to issue a missing persons’ report.” Sanha mumbled listlessly.

“Because they care,” Kihyun interrupted quickly. “If they didn’t care about you they wouldn’t have gone looking for you. It means they aren’t mad at you. They don’t hate you.” Sanha buried his face into Kihyun’s chest and let out a heart wrenching sob. The older boy just held his as he cried, the situation painfully close to another he would rather forget.

“I’m sorry,” Sanha sniffled as he pulled away. “You probably think I’m some sort of cry baby… I don’t normally cry thing much. At least, not in front of anyone.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Jooheon said, his words holding a bit of an edge.

“What hyung meant is that it’s okay to cry,” Changkyun said, shooting the other rapper a smile. “There’s nothing wrong with letting your emotions out, and crying is one of the healthiest ways to do that. I know it’s hard, but you have to forgive yourself Sanha-ya. It’ll be worth it in the end, I promise.” Sanha nodded, wiping his swollen eyes with the back of his hand.

“Jinwoo-ya and the others are on their way to get Sanha,” Wonho said, reentering the kitchen. He took note of Sanha’s red eyes and how Kihyun was still holding the boy. “I said it would be best to talk it out here, if that’s alright with you Sanha-ya.”

“That’s fine.” Sanha whispered, looking down at the tacky floor tiles.

“Come here.” Wonho pulled the boy into a tight embrace. Sanha eagerly returned the hug, happy to accept the affection and warmth from the older boy.

“Sanha, can I talk you to real quick?” Changkyun asked, causing Wonho to break their embrace. Sanha followed the other maknae to the room the two rappers shared. Changkyun sat on his bed and patted the spot next to him for Sanha to sit. “I… I wanted to tell you a story real quick, before you went back.”

“Is something wrong hyung?” Sanha asked. Changkyun’s lips quirked up at being called hyung.

“No I just… I think if you knew, maybe you’ll be more willing to take me up on my offer,” He smiled at Sanha, who was watching him with those wide, uncharacteristically serious eyes. “About three years ago, right before we debuted, I got… really depressed. Like, so insanely depressed that I started to destroy myself. I had a friend, Gunner, who would message me, but it wasn’t enough. My hyungs were still mad at me for getting a spot in the band, and I was filled with self-doubt to the point that I wouldn’t eat. I would spent too many hours in the gym. I would push myself to collapsing almost daily. It got so bad that one night I took almost seventy five sleeping pills and tried to slit my wrists. I just wanted it all to stop… I don’t know what happened that night, but somehow I was found. They brought me to the hospital and they kept me there for weeks, making sure I was mentally sound enough to be released. When I came back to the dorms, everyone seemed to be treating me like glass, but I didn’t mind. It felt… nice, I guess, to be cared for. After a while things settled and we fell into a pattern. We debuted and started gaining popularity. At the same time, I found myself slipping back into old habits whenever things got too stressful or tense. Thankfully, when I relapsed my hyungs were there to comfort me and help me to get back on my feet,” Changkyun took Sanha’s hand and began gently running his thumb over the younger boy’s knuckles. He took a deep breath. “I just… things are going to be hard, and things will get bad again, but they’ll always get better, you know? I wanted you to know that. I’m going to give you my number, and I want you to text me. About your day, or about something annoying that one of your hyungs did. I want to be there for you, and I know firsthand how it can be easier to talk to a friend rather than someone you live with.”

“Changkyun hyung…” Sanha didn’t know what to say. To think that the boy sitting next to him tried to kill himself...

“Please Sanha, just… I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Alright hyung,” Sanha offered Changkyun a small smile, and the older boy’s face lit up. “I’ll come to you if things get bad and just… about my day and stuff I guess.”

“Thank you,” Changkyun threw himself at the younger boy. “And even if you had said no I would have pestered you until you talked to me. I already added myself to your contacts.”

Before Sanha could scoff at the other boy’s antics, a soft knock came from the door. Hyunwoo poked his head in and smiled softly at the two before it turned into a small grimace.

“Sanha-ya, they’re here.”

Sanha’s stomach dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more backstory. I tried to explain what happened in IM Strong so you wouldn't have to go read the other story if you didn't want to, but there's still stuff that would be explained if you did.  
> I have no idea what my update schedule is going to be, or how long this fic will end up. It's just as much as a surprise to me as it is to everyone else!


	3. Chapter 3

Wonho wasn’t sure what to expect from the boys that were on their way to his dorm. His conversation with Jinwoo was short and tense.

_“I’m going to be frank with you, Jinwoo-ya.” He had said._

_“You’re Hoseok-”_

_“Call me Wonho,” He said through his teeth. Wonho took a deep breath before speaking again. “Look, I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Sanha-ya – just that you got into a pretty bad fight. Even though I’ve only known the kid for a night, I can already tell he isn’t going to be super open about what happened so I thought I’d save us all some heartache and just say it.”_

_“Wonho hyung, what do you mean-?”_

_“I found Sanha-ya about to throw himself off the bridge,” He said simply. He heard Jinwoo gasp on the other end, followed by blubbering sobs and he felt his heart break. “Hey, he’s fine now. I think we managed to get through to him a little. I know Changkyun-ah is going to talk to him about reaching out to someone. I just… things are going to be messy enough as it is. I figured breaking the news ahead of time would save some trouble.”_

_“We’re leaving now,” Jinwoo said quickly, his voice breaking. “We’ll be there as soon as we can.”_

_“Be careful.” Wonho said as a goodbye and hung up. He returned to the kitchen just in time to see Sanha being led away by Changkyun._

A knock on the door broke Wonho from his thoughts. He took another deep breath and went to welcome their guests.

Jinwoo thought he was going to throw up when Wonho told him what Sanha had tried to do. He had the phone on speaker, mostly because he didn’t want to do anything alone. Even though he was the leader, he desperately wanted – needed - the support of his friends. He saw how everyone froze and he almost missed the rest of what Wonho said due to the ringing in his ears.

As soon as they saw Sanha’s number calling Jinwoo’s phone, the five boys had started frantically putting on their shoes and jackets. The second the call ended, Jinwoo brought up the address that Wonho had given him and they were on their way. Dongmin was smart enough to hail a cab rather than just sprinting the entire way, as Jinwoo was prepared to do. The ride was only about fifteen minutes, but it made Jinwoo’s chest tighten. How had their maknae run so far away? Was he so desperate to get away?

Jinwoo paid the cab driver as everyone piled out. They hesitated by the door before Minhyuk wrapped on the door harshly. There was scrambling from inside the dorm before the door opened. Wonho stepped aside to let the five boys pile in. He looked them over and felt a stab of guilt in his chest. He had been ready to chew them out for not taking care of Sanha, but one look at their red eyes, pale faced and messed up hair made them look like absolute wrecks and he could tell they were already beating themselves up more than anything he could do to them.

Hyunwoo slipped away from the entrance and Jinwoo could hear him speaking quietly. His foot was tapping, his anxieties building. It was almost like slow motion when Sanha came into view. Even though it had only been one night, it felt like it had been years since they saw their maknae. MJ and Minhyuk were the first to unfreeze, throwing themselves at the youngest member. Bin was next, and followed the other two until the maknae could barely be seen beneath the others. Only Jinwoo and Dongmin held back.

The latter was openly crying, a hand over his mouth. Jinwoo smiled at him, thinking he was just happy to see Sanha, until he followed where Dongmin’s eyes were glues and felt his stomach sink.

Sanha was wearing a much too large t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were falling off his hips, leaving his arms exposed. Jinwoo swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat as he looked as there sheer multitude of the scars and lines on Sanha’s arm. The boy moved slightly, and his pant leg shifted, showing the circular burns and the deeper cuts. Jinwoo caught sight of lettering, but he wasn’t able to read it before they were hidden again. Jinwoo looked back up at Sanha’s face and realized the younger boy was staring back at him, apprehension and fear reflecting in his large, watery eyes. Jinwoo never felt more like a failure in his life.

Sanha stared at his leader, alarms ringing in the back of his head. He could see the older boy’s eyes were red and swollen, and it looked like his hair had been attacked by a mini tornado – knowing Jinwoo, from running his hands through it in frustration. Neither said anything at first. Finally, without breaking eye contact, Sanha opened his mouth to apologize. Before any words could escape, Jinwoo collapsed to the ground – kneeling in front of Sanha.

“Sanha, I’m so sorry for what I said,” His voice was muffled by the carpet but everyone could hear him. “What I said was unforgivable. If anything had happened to you because of me… I’m so, so sorry Sanha. Please forgive me for being so heartless…” His words wavered with tears at the end and Sanha felt his heart break.

He had expected scolding, maybe yelling, for running away and scaring them. The last thing the boy expected was to see his leader bowing on the ground, begging for forgiveness. Sanha found himself kneeling on the floor next to Jinwoo, pulling the shorter boy into a hug.

“No, I’m sorry hyung,” He said into Jinwoo’s neck. “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Jinwoo sobbed as he pulled his maknae in tighter. Four more pairs of arms joined around the two, and Sanha couldn’t hold back the tears.

The members of Monsta X watched the scene from the other side of the room. They wanted the boys of Astro to work out their own problems, but there was always the possibility of things going south which is why they were there. Finally, Astro broke apart to let Sanha breathe.

“I have to call manager hyung,” Jinwoo said quietly as he wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. “He’s been worried sick…”

“I’m sorry…” Sanha mumbled before Jinwoo gave him a gentle smack to the arm.

“I said stop apologizing.” He smiled and Sanha found himself returning it. Jinwoo pulled out his phone and stepped out the front door. Sanha turned to the other boys and his smile softened.

“I guess this is goodbye.” Hyunwoo said, arms uncrossing and opening to bring the boy into a hug. Sanha wrapped his thin arms around the older boy’s muscular chest.

“Just for now,” he said. “You’re my hyungs now, right?”

“Of course kiddo.” Hyunwoo smiled and patted Sanha on the back. The thinner boy buckled a little under the strength of the gesture but his smile didn’t drop.

“Come visit any time, okay?” Wonho pulled him into another hug.

“When we have a free day, maybe you guys could come over to my dorm?” Sanha offered as he was passed from hug to hug.

“I’ll hold you to that kid.” Jooheon grinned before ruffling Sanha’s hair. The younger boy whined a little but Jooheon just snickered.

“Remember what I said Sanha-ya,” Changkyun said softly, so only Sanha could hear. “It’ll never be a bother. Ever. Message me at any time of day, okay?”

“Yes hyung.” Sanha gave Changkyun an extra tight hug, which the other maknae returned.

“Sanha-ya, come here for a second,” Hyungwon called. He also pulled Sanha into a hug, but it was more so he could whisper to the younger. “I want daily updates of what you ate, understood?”

“B-but hyung-” Sanha tried to protest.

“No buts,” Hyungwon wasn’t going to budge. “Everyday. Just a quick message saying what you had for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And once a week I want a weigh in, okay?”

“Why?” Sanha whispered, his stomach churning at the thought of not only eating normally, but having to report everything he ate.

“You don’t want to worry your fans, do you?” He countered. Sanha shook his head vigorously. “They want you to be healthy as much as we do. How about this, if you keep updating me and make progress, I’ll take you out for an adventure. Does that sound fair?” Sanha hesitated, but he did like the idea of going on a trip with Hyungwon.

“Alright…” He finally gave in, and the smile on Hyungwon’s face could have lit up the room. He pulled Sanha into another tight hug.

“I’m so proud of you.” He said and Sanha relaxed into the embrace that much more.

“Sanha-ya,” Bin called him name. When Sanha looked, he saw his hyung holding his folded clothes. “Why don’t you change real quick when Jinjin hyung is still on the phone? Maybe we can convince him to let us get sweets on the way home.”

“Alright.” Sanha smiled at the thought of Jinwoo giving them sweets when he was such a child himself and grinned. Bin seemed to relax a little when he saw Sanha smile.

* * *

  
“Sanha, is there anything else?” Dongmin asked carefully. Sanha was sitting on the couch in their dorm, his legs pulled up to his chest and a blanket around his shoulders, MJ and Minhyuk sitting on either side of him.

When they got back to their dorm, they sat Sanha down with MJ and went to strip his room. They were horrified at what they found – empty bottles of alcohol stashed under the bed, razors and pins between the pages of books, under his mattress, even in a small mint container. When Minhyuk saw the first rusty blade, he ran to the bathroom to throw up the ice cream they had gotten on the way home. Jinwoo told him to go sit and comfort Sanha while they continued looking. They found a small notepad with dates and weights written, the numbers going dangerously low. They found notes written and crossed off but getting across the message they were supposed to. They even found half empty bottles of sleeping pills. Dongmin tried again.

“Sanha?” He asked, hoping to get the maknae’s attention.

“Um, I don’t think so.” He said, almost sounding like he was asleep. His eyes refused to focus on Jinwoo’s face, and he felt his vision blurring.

“We’re going to throw this stuff out, okay?” Jinwoo didn’t want to push Sanha, but he wanted a response. Sanha tensed as if he was going to fight it but deflated a moment later. He nodded listlessly and Jinwoo took that as permission. He nodded to MJ, who started scooping the contraband into a large, black trash bag.

“Are you mad at me?” Sanha whispered. Everyone in the room jumped at how quiet he was. They were quick to rush to his side.

“Of course not!” Minhyuk said, shaking his head.

“How could we be?” Bin chimed in.

“We just want you to be happy.” MJ.

“You’re our family.” Dongmin.

“Sanha, are you alright? You look pale…” Jinwoo broke Sanha from his daze with a hand on his forehead.

“I’m just tired.” He said, his words barely audible. Jinwoo sighed.

“Go take a nap, okay? We’re going to do another sweep of the dorm and then we can all go out for dinner. Does that sound alright?” He hoped the offer of food would perk the boy up, but Sanha just nodded with the same apathetic look in his eyes. He stood and dragged his feet to his room. Though it had only been a night, it was like entering some place completely new.

Everything had been straightened up. His desk, which was normally a mess, was neat. He knew if he were to open the drawers, all his personal belongings would also be straightened up. Part of him felt sick knowing his hyungs searched for his shame. He collapsed onto his bed and felt his eyes drift shut the second his head hit the pillow, but he forced them open again. He pulled out his phone and messaged Changkyun first.

_“We made it back. They searched my room and took everything dangerous. We’re going out for dinner later.”_

Sanha hit send and brought up a new message, this one to Hyungwon.

“ _We got ice cream on the way home and we’re going out to eat tonight.”_

He opened a third new message, this one to Wonho.

_“I just wanted to say thanks for everything. You literally saved my life hyung… thank you.”_

He locked his phone and placed it face down on his bedside table before burying his face into the familiar pillow and falling asleep.

* * *

 

_“Hey, I know this is a little sudden but I have a favor to ask you.”_

_“What’s up?” The voice on the other side of the phone responded. “I haven’t gotten a call from you in a while.”_

_“I know I just… there’s someone I think you could help.”_

_“With what?”_

_“With what you helped me with.”_

_“Oh…”_

_“Please, I don’t mean to be pushy but… it was really bad.”_

_“How bad is really bad?”_

_“Like, me right before things went bad.”_

_“Shit…”_

_“Exactly. We’re doing our best but-”_

_“Sometimes it’s not enough.”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“Who is it? I’ll see what I can do.”_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update! I have a few ideas of where this is going, so I hope it'll be longer than my usual fics. Don't start guessing who was on the phone in the last part just yet! It's /hopefully/ going to be a big reveal. It may or may not be connected to another one of my stories.


	4. Chapter 4

Sanha looked down at his phone with a mix of trepidation and surprise. While he was a rather friendly person, he wasn’t very good at communicating with his friends. It was something he had problems with back before becoming a trainee, and his new friends from Monsta X were quickly learning this.

 _“Sanha-ya, are you alright? You left me on read hours ago…_ ” Changkyun was trying his hardest, but Sanha couldn’t help but feel like a burden to the other boys. They tried to convince him that he was the opposite, but Sanha couldn’t fight the feeling of guilt anytime he received a message from one of them. The only person he messaged regularly was Hyungwon, and that was only because he had shown up at their door one day, about a week after Wonho found him on the bridge. Sanha hadn’t answered any of his texts all day, and around dinner Hyungwon appeared like magic with take out and a few stern words directed at the youngest. Sanha made sure to update Hyungwon every day after that.

 _“I’m okay hyung. It’s been a hard day. I’m sorry.”_ Sanha found it exhausting to even type that out. He felt like a failure. Changkyun responded instantly.

_“That’s okay! We all have off days, but keep fighting! Do you wanna come over for some hot chocolate and a movie?”_

_“No thank you hyung. Maybe I’ll try taking a nap.”_

_“Alright! If you change your mind, our dorm is always open to you!”_

Sanha hadn’t been back to the Monsta X dorm since the incident, but that didn’t stop them from trying to get him to come over. He had been tempted a few times, but he would feel so guilty for taking up their time that he would instantly decline.

His phone chimed again and he saw another message from a less familiar contact. Two days after he returned to his dorm, someone started messaging him on his twitter, which he found mildly disturbing because only a select few knew about his personal social media. When he saw that the user was mutual with Changkyun – one of those select few people – he felt more inclined to accept their friendship.

 _“Ya, Sanha! Did you see that BTS dropped a teaser? Everyone is going batshit!”_ The person had introduced himself as Gunner, and Sanha instantly thought how easy it was to get along with him. They mainly talked about other bands, keeping away from any topics that were too close to his own band out of respect. Their conversations were about fun things, not work.

 _“My roommate hasn’t shut up about it since midnight. He was literally crying for a little bit.”_ Sanha found himself smiling. Gunner was easy to talk to, and it helped that they only ever talked like normal teenagers. No talk of publicity or practice or crazy fans that made them cringe. Just talking about gossip about others and about their day. It was a nice change.

 _“Your roommate sounds like a charming young man.”_ He added several laughing faces and Sanha found himself chuckling a little.

 _“He is one of the most annoying people in the world, but no one believes me cuz he’s so nice in public!”_ Sanha added his own laughing face. If Bin knew Sanha was talking this was about him, the older boy would not be happy.

_“So what are you up to?”_

_“Nothing. I was thinking of taking a nap but I feel kinda guilty.”_

_“Why do you feel guilty?”_

_“Another friend invited me to hang out but… going out and interacting with people seems really impossible right now.”_

_“Does it feel like the thought of talking to someone makes you want to throw up?”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“The best thing you can do is force yourself out of the house. It may seem excruciating but it’ll be worth it. Plus your friend will be happy to see you.”_

_“You think so?”_

_“I know so! I know everything, remember?”_

_“Ah, you’re so smart~ I’ll text him back now.”_

_“I’m proud of you Sanha!”_

_“Oh hush.”_ Sanha grinned as he sent a face sticking its tongue out and shot a quick text to Changkyun.

_“Hey, is it still alright if I come over? I was told being with people is good when you aren’t feeling 100%”_

_“OF COURSE! Come right over! I’ll even kick Jooheon hyung out of his chair for you!”_

_“Ah, you don’t have to do that… I’ll be over soon.”_

_“See you soon!!!”_

Sanha smiled and some of the weight in his chest lightened. He didn’t think Changkyun would be that excited for him to come over. Rolling out of bed, it took him a good five seconds before he could bring himself to stand. When he made his way to the door, Minhyuk called his name.

“Where are you off to?” He asked. He lived up to his name in some aspects – he was good at keeping his voice level and solid, like a rock. Sanha gave him a small smile, something Minhyuk took as a small victory.

“Changkyun hyung invited me to watch a movie,” He said softly. His members expressed their concern at how quiet the maknae was once when the boy in question was sleeping, but no one knew what to do about it other than continue to support him. “Is… is it alright if I go?”

“Of course?” Minhyuk didn’t know why Sanha was asking him, then it dawned on him. Jinwoo had told the boy that he wasn’t allowed to leave the dorm without someone going with him – at least until they were sure he wasn’t a threat to himself. It had been weeks since the incident and as far as he knew, Sanha had been doing really well. He knew the dorms were only a fifteen minute car ride away, and that Hyunwoo would let one of them know as soon as the boy arrived. “Sanha, I trust you not to do anything, okay? Don’t break my trust.”

“Thank you hyung!” Sanha felt his chest lighten even more. He bowed to Minhyuk, who blinked vigorously at the gesture.

“Ya, ya, whatever,” he tried to play it off casual. “Just… if you’re gonna sleep over make sure you give Jinwoo hyung a call, alright?”

“Okay!” Sanha responded, but he was already halfway out the door. Minhyuk smirked as the door slammed shut and ran a hand through his bangs. Things had been hard since they found out everything Sanha had been hiding. There had been a few major set -backs just days after they cleared out the room he and Sanha shared. He still had nightmares of the maknae, pale and bleeding out. He knew the others were having nightmares too, but no one wanted to talk about it incase Sanha were to overhear and beat himself up.

Minhyuk sighed and shot a quick text to Hyunwoo, letting him know Sanha was on his way.

* * *

  
“Sanha-ssi, I have to talk to you.” Their manager said in a quiet voice. Everyone went silent, the tension in the room thick enough to be cut with a knife. Sanha dropped the open water bottle he was holding and spilled water down the front of him and all over his shoes, causing him to hiss a curse under his breath as he followed after his manager.

“Is something wrong hyung?” He asked, his voice shaking. In the minute or so it took to walk to the small office their manager called his own, a thousand terrifying thoughts danced through the boy’s head. The one that kept coming back was the idea that he was being fired – kicked out of Astro and being sent home.

“I just needed to talk to you about something,” He said carefully. He looked at the boy sitting across the small desk and felt a stab of pity. Though he watched Sanha grow from a child to a young adult, the singer was still young. He was barely an adult, still mostly lanky limbs that didn’t listen unless he was dancing and a face that screamed innocence. That face was now staring at him with wide, glassy eyes and a trembling lower lip. “I’ve heard some things recently and I’m worried about you Sanha-ssi. Reports of scars on your arms have come back to me from several staff members. We’re worried there’s something more going on.”

“I’m fine hyung,” Sanha said instantly. He was frozen in his seat. It literally felt like his blood had turned to ice in that moment. He had never felt so cold in his life, his heart beat painful in his chest. “I’m just really clumsy. You know that.”

“I do, which is why I’m worried. From what I’ve heard, these aren’t accidental tripping wounds. Is there something you want to tell me Sanha-ssi? Anything you say will stay between us, for now at least.”

“For now?” He all but squeaked. The manager licked his bottom lip quickly.

“If this is something serious, I’m going to have to reach out to find help. There are some things I just can’t keep a secret, especially if it involves your safety.” He gave Sanha a small smile, but the boy didn’t return it. Sanha’s blood was roaring in his ears and he could barely hear his own thoughts.

“Seriously hyung,” Sanha found himself saying. He didn’t like how monotone his voice sounded, and judging by the expression on the manager’s face, the older man didn’t either. “I’m fine. I’ve just been stressed with training and have been falling more. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Part of me knew you would say that, no matter what,” The manager sighed and ran a hand through his thinning hair. “Look, if you need to take time off from Astro, I’m sure everyone would understand-”

“No!” Sanha yelled, shooting forward in his seat. The manager jumped at the sudden volume and Sanha couldn’t fight the tears threatening to fall. “Please don’t take me away. I- I need to be with my hyungs. Please don’t take me away from them.” He sobbed, covering his face with shaking hands. The manager sucked in a sharp breath.

“Oh Sanha, I never meant- shit,” In any other circumstance, the boy would have cackled at the idea of their manager cursing. In this situation, however, the slip barely registered through his sob filled rambling. “Listen, we would never take you away from the other boys. I just meant if you wanted to take a break from the training and the promotions for a while…”

“No, no, no, no…” Sanha was hyperventilating, not hearing a single word his manager was saying. “Please, no…”

“Sanha, you need to breathe. Do you want me to call someone? Jinwoo-ssi?” The older man was getting a little frantic. He wasn’t used to dealing with people in this state and he felt helpless as the boy worked himself up into a full blown panic attack. When he heard his hyung’s name, he shook his head and muttered another chorus of ‘no’s.

“Changkyun hyung,” He whimpered. “I want Changkyun hyung.”

“Chang- Im Changkyun? From Starship?” That was the last thing the man had been expecting. Before he could panic, Sanha had pulled out his own phone and was holding it up to his ear. Changkyun almost didn’t pick up. Sanha was one ring away from hanging up when there was a click and a voice on the other line.

“Sanha? Don’t you have practice? Are you okay?” Changkyun said, the volume up loud enough for the manager to hear even though it wasn’t on speaker.

“H-hyung…” Sanha barked out a sob, his vision going black around the edges.

“Fuck! Sanha, what’s going on?”

“I don’t wanna be ki-kicked out,” He bawled miserably. “I don’t wanna leave…”

“Sanha, love, you’re not going to be kicked out,” Changkyun was trying very hard to keep his composure, but it was hard when the younger idol sounded like he was about to break in half from the strength of his sobs. “Talk to me, okay? You’re going to be okay.”

“No, no, no no…” Sanha began mumbling. He wasn’t talking to Changkyun anymore. He was imagining how different his life would be without Astro. He would still be recognized and followed, but because he was a failure. He would never be able to go through school normally again. He would never be able to perform on stage for the Arohas that he loved so much. He would never be able to hear them sing along with their songs. He would never be able to see their support again.

“Do you want me to come over?” Changkyun’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“Hyung, I think I’m dying?” Sanha choked out.

“It’s a panic attack,” Changkyun said soothingly. “You’re going to be okay. Can you hear me?”

“Yes.” Sanha all but whispered.

“I need you to breathe, okay? Follow with me, alright?” He made a show of breathing in and out, loud enough for Sanha to hear through the phone. “Are you breathing normally now?”

“I think so.” He responded, sounding more stable already.

“Ah, Sanha-ya I’m so proud of you. Now, can you tell hyung what happened?”

“They said I could take a b-break from Astro but all I could think about was what would happen if I got kicked out and-and I… everything started spiraling out of control and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe or think and my mind was s-screaming at me and- and I couldn’t make it stop,” Sanha took a deep breath and tried to regain his thoughts. “I’m sorry for calling you so suddenly I just… I didn’t want anyone to see me like this…”

“Hey, don’t apologize. I’m glad you called me, and I’m glad I was able to talk you through this. Are you alright now?”

“I think so…”

“I’m really proud of you Sanha-ya, never forget that.”

“Thank you hyung.” Sanha felt his eyes fill again, purely out of how thankful he was to have met Changkyun.

“You must be busy, so I’ll let you go but make sure to call if you need anything else, okay?”

“Okay hyung.”

“That’s my boy,” Changkyun’s smile could be heard clearly through his words. “I’ll treat you to something sweet next time we get together. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah.” Sanha felt his mouth curl up in a smile.

“I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Love you Sanha-ya!”

“Bye hyung.” Sanha said as his smile grew a little wider. He hung up the phone and took a deep breath through his nose before letting it out through his mouth, just like he was taught to. His manager had watched the entire exchange with a blank face.

“Sanha-ssi, are you alright?” He asked, voice laced with concern.

“Better now, thank you hyung.” Sanha’s voice sounded rough, but the sincerity was also clear.

“Is there anything I can do?” He still felt lost. He was thankful to the other idol for being able to help the boy, but he felt like a bit of a failure as a manager.

“No, thank you.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“Can I?” Sanha’s head shot up.

“I think you deserve a rest,” He offered the boy a smile. “And if you’re up to it, you and the others can take a day or two off. I can contact Starship to see if we can make an arrangement. I can see you’re close to those boys there. Maybe some time with them could help.”

“You don’t have to go through all the trouble,” Sanha didn’t want to be a burden on the man. He knew he was already busy enough as it was, being a manager. “I have all their numbers.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am, but I might take a day off. If you think it’ll be alright.”

“Of course! Take all the time you need. Your health and well-being come first,” He walked over to the door and opened it for the boy. Just before Sanha was about to leave, he grabbed the boys sleeve carefully. “And Sanha-ssi, if there’s anything that’s bothering you, you can talk to me or your members about it. You’re not alone.”

“Thank you hyung,” Sanha said, bowing slightly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Now, go take a nap and eat something bad for you,” He grinned at the boy. “You look like you’re about to collapse.”  
Sanha made his way back to the others, his mind a muddle of thoughts. When he pushed open the door, he saw everyone sitting against the mats, water bottles in hand, chatting. As soon as he entered, they sprung to their feet and rushed over to him.

“Are you okay?”

“What did the manager want?”

“Were you crying?”

“What happened?”

“Guys, give him some space!” Jinwoo called over the noise and everyone instantly fell silent. He took his maknae by the hands and brought him to sit on the mat where they had just been. “What happened Sanha-ya?” He kept his voice gentle. When he saw Sanha’s bottom lip start to tremble, he sat down next to the younger boy and carefully pushed the maknae’s head down so it was resting on his shoulder.

“He asked about the scars on my arms,” He said softly. “I told him it was because I kept falling but I don’t think he believed me. He suggested I take a break and… and I don’t know what happened. I freaked out. All I could think about was being kicked out of the band… I ended up calling Changkyun hyung and he talked me through it. I feel… pathetic…”

“First of all, you could never be pathetic,” Jinwoo said in his special hyung voice. He could feel Sanha smile against his neck. “Secondly, even if they tried to kick you out, we would pitch such a fit that they would have to bring you back. We’re not Astro without you.”

“Thank you hyung,” Sanha buried his face in his leader’s neck and let his hyung’s heartbeat calm his own. “Can we go back to the dorms? The manager said we could have a day off.”

“That sounds good.” Jinwoo stood and held a hand out for Sanha.

“Can we get take out too?” He asked with a small smirk. “I was explicitly told to eat something bad for me, by the manager himself.”

“I know just the place.” Jinwoo’s eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief as they left the building.

* * *

  
“Sanha, would it be alright if we came over?” Changkyun had called the other maknae a few hours after they finished their dinner, which consisted of burgers, fries and soda – a very American meal, therefore very bad for them.

“We just got back, so yeah.” Sanha said easily. His stomach hurt a little, but it wasn’t a bad kind of hurting. With Hyungwon’s help, he had been eating a little more each time. He had avoided anything too heavy at first, but he was finally able to eat greasy things again without feeling the urge to throw up just by the smell.

“Perfect!” He called something to his members, Sanha guessed based on how his voice became muffled for a moment before coming back clear. “We’ll be over soon! We’re bringing desert if you’re up for it.”

“Always.”

“See you soon!” Changkyun hung up. Everyone clambered around him, asking what Sanha had said.

“So is it a go?” Hyunwoo asked. When Changkyun smiled and nodded, the leader smiled back before shooting a quick message to their manager, telling him where they were going to be for the evening.

“Is he okay?” Jooheon asked softly. He had grown quite fond of all the Astro members, and when Changkyun had rushed out of the room to accept a call from the youngest the rapper couldn’t shake the bad feeling in his chest.

“He sounded much better,” He said with a smile. “I think going to see him is going to help too.”

“Do you think we should…?” Jooheon trailed off, but Changkyun knew what he was implying.

“Not yet,” he said, his smile falling into a small frown. “Gunhee is trying to get him to open up a little first, and I’m hoping we can get him comfortable enough talking to us about what he’s going through for him to suggest it first. If we were to force him to see someone, it would only cause problems. With Sanha, and with the public.”

“I hate it when you’re right,” Jooheon grumbled. “It just hurts to see the kid like this.”

“I know… but we’re doing what we can. I know we aren’t… the real thing,” Changkyun grimaced. “But right now we’re who he’s willing to talk to.”

“That’s true… As long as he has some sort of support system.”

“Come on you two!” Minhyuk called from the door. Changkyun and Jooheon glanced over at him and realized the other boys were already out the door and heading down the hall without them. They rushed to shove their shoes on before following after. They made it to the Astro dorm less than an hour later.

“We would have been here sooner but Minhyuk had to take forever to decide what desert to bring.” Kihyun said with a laugh as Dongmin let them in.

“It’s no problem,” He said with a warm smile. Dongmin and the other members of Astro had gotten quite close with the older boys, and were very excited when Sanha said they were going to be stopping by. “Sanha should be in his room. I’ll get him if you want to make yourselves at home.” He offered, but realized there was no need because the seven boys had already taken off their shoes and were settling down on the mismatched furniture in the living room.

“I’ll just put these in the fridge.” Hyunwoo said softly as he tucked the deserts away. Dongmin always found it amusing how their leader looked so intimidating but was really as soft as the rest of them.

“Sanha-ya, Changkyun hyung and the others are here,” He said, gently knocking on Sanha’s door with his knuckle. When he got no response, he cracked the door open a smidge and tried again. “Sanha? You shouldn’t be napping this late-”

But Sanha wasn’t napping. Dongmin threw the door open, not caring when the knob slammed into the wall and left a small indent in the drywall.

When he came running back to the living room, eyes wide, the others instantly knew something was wrong.

“S-Sanha…” He gasped out, his voice breaking. “He’s gone.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been brought to my attention that some things seem a little out of place or unrealistic. I just want to say that everything has a place in this story, and I have a plan for everything, so don't fret dear readers.  
> I'd also like to give a shout out to my new friend, who helped me brainstorm more plot points and talked to me while I was writing this! You're a real life saver with those fic recs! I know you said not to thank you but whoops thank you!


	5. Chapter 5

Sanha knew he had a while before the other idols would be throwing open his front door and disrupting his evening in the most loving way possible. He locked his phone and sighed, staring at his hands and letting his mind wander. He thought about silly things, like how the pen on his hand almost looked like a dog face if he twisted his wrist just right and how he wished he had a pet. He liked all animals – If given a chance he would probably get a cat because they liked to sleep and he liked to poke their toes when they sleep – but he was thinking about how he sort of wanted a dog because then he could go on walks with them. He thought about how cramped he felt in his room, with his clothing strewn across the floor in different heaps, unable to recognize the difference between his and Minhyuk’s belongings half the time. He thought about how the weather had been nice that day, and how Minhyuk had complained about being stuck inside. Sanha thought about going for a walk in the nice weather, even though he didn’t have a dog to walk.

If he were to explain his thought process to someone, they might think he was a little crazy. He wasn’t crazy, and his way of thinking worked very well for him.

He slipped out of his room, knowing everyone was occupied. He could hear the shower running, and voices coming from the kitchen. He tugged on his old sneakers – the ones where the sole was almost completely worn away and the laces were more of a muddy black than the white they were originally. His hyungs had all tried on different occasions to get the youngest to throw away the monstrosities he insisted on wearing, but Sanha always found a way to win and keep his favorite shoes. He carefully closed the door behind him and felt a breath he didn’t realize he was holding go. Letting his legs lead the way, Sanha got lost in his thoughts once more.

It wasn’t until the absence of noise brought Sanha out of his mind that he realized he had wandered farther than he had meant to. He knew vaguely where he was - there was a small community of dorms a little ways away from his own where a lot of more popular idol groups lived. Looking around, Sanha realized there wasn’t a soul in sight, and the sudden silence was mildly disturbing to the boy, who was used to cars and talking and loud noises surrounding him.

A light breeze ruffled his hair and Sanha found himself drawn to the side of a small bridge. It was a footbridge more than anything, the river below is no more than two or three feet deep. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the wooden rail and let the breeze sing to him. The crickets were chirping quite loudly, and when he listened closely he could almost make out the sound of traffic from a distant highway. Sanha smiled into the night. He felt… content. There were lanterns along the bridge that were gradually turning on as the sun went down, turning the atmosphere into something more magical and mysterious than a simple footbridge.

Sanha opened his eyes, suddenly not feeling alone anymore. He glanced behind him and saw a figure sitting up on the top of the railing. It was a decent sized ledge, and Sanha knew he was guilty himself of sitting up on ledges similar but the sight of a figure on the edge of a bridge made his heart jump to his throat. His mind started racing. He didn’t want to call out and startle the person, but he didn’t want to leave them.

“I’m not going to fall,” The person said suddenly, making Sanha jump a foot in the air. “Or jump. Not that it would do much good other than maybe breaking my ankle.”

“How did you-?”

“Know you were looking at me? Well, I saw you when I walked up, and I heard your footsteps on the wood when you turned around.” The person was still facing away from Sanha, but his voice was very familiar.

“Do I know you?” He asked, wondering who this person could be. The person laughed a little, his broad shoulders shaking with the action.

“Probably,” He said, his voice light. “Though I know you too, sort of.”

“Um…” Now Sanha felt weird. The person laughed again before gracefully hopping off the ledge and stepping into the light of the lamp on the bridge. Sanha felt his breathe leave his body.

“Yoon Sanha, right?” Jungkook asked, tilting his head and smiling at the younger boy. Sanha just nodded dumbly. “I’ve seen the covers you guys have done. They’re really impressive.”

“T-thank you…” Sanha felt star struck. Sure, he had met the members of BTS before, but now that it was just them – just two boys on a bridge, wearing casual clothing with no threats of being late or missing an interview hanging over their heads – it felt much more real. “Why were you on the ledge?” He couldn’t help but ask, and immediately going red when he realized what he did. Jungkook just laughed and looked out at the water, just as Sanha had been doing minutes ago.

“Recently I’ve been… trying to appreciate the small things in life,” He said softly. Sanha could see his eyes scrunch a little. “I’ve realized that you never really look at things until they almost slip through your fingers.”

“You’re right.” Sanha breathed, his voice almost lost on the breeze.

“I’ve heard you’ve been spending time with Monsta X,” He said suddenly. Sanha blinked at him, eyes wide enough to take up half his face. Jungkook snickered at the other boy’s expression before turning back to the water. “Word gets around in this industry. Nothing bad, of course. Just that Astro and Monsta X were starting to get close.”

“They’re amazing hyungs.” Sanha felt himself smile when he thought of his friends.

“I remember when the whole thing with Im Changkyun happened,” Jungkook’s voice dropped to a whisper and Sanha felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He held his breath, waiting to see what the other idol was going to say. Jungkook ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “It was… scary to say the least. No one ever sees just how hard things are until it’s too late, and even then we have to cover that shit up as much as possible.”

“Exactly.” Sanha rubbed his arms, the scars on his skin suddenly feeling heavy.

“It makes you wonder how many of us have tried things like that,” Jungkook sounded as distant as he looked. His hand had dropped from his hair to his thigh. “How many of us tried but failed and never talked about it. How different things would be if we had succeeded. How those of us that did succeed must have felt.”

“Jungkook-ssi-” Sanha felt a familiar pressure in his chest. Jungkook seemed to snap out of whatever thought was clouding his mind and he turned to the younger boy with a warm smile.

“No need for that,” He said happily. “Call me hyung too, alright? I’m always the youngest so it’ll be nice to be older for once.”

“Hyung, I’m sorry if this is rude but… are you alright?” Everything the other boy was saying hit too close to home for Sanha, and he couldn’t help but feel worried for the boy in front of him. Jungkook blinked like a rabbit in shock before smiling, but unlike the last one this one was laced with the weight of someone carrying burdens far too heavy for them.

“Am I?” He repeated the question as if he was tasting the words. He chuckled sadly before responding. “I think I will be. Sanha-ya, do you ever look at your future and feel so helpless that you could scream?”

“All the time.” Sanha breathed, not bothering to hide the pain in his voice.

“But at the same time, do you ever feel like… even though it feels like you’re running up a hill, that once you reach the top it’ll be worth it? Because then you’ll see the sun rising and everything will be light and safe?”

“Not so much…”

“Sanha-ya, I think we have a lot in common.” He smiled, showing the bunny teeth that the world went crazy over.

“Hyung, how are you so optimistic?” Sanha found himself asking. He felt so desolate himself, and yet Jungkook was somehow able to picture a future where the sun shined and everything was alright. Jungkook chuckled, but it sounded flat.

“It took hitting rock bottom to realize that maybe living isn’t all that bad,” He said, hauling himself back onto the ledge. He patted the wood and waited for Sanha to join him. “Sanha-ya, something is on your mind. Am I right?”

“Yeah…” Sanha felt his throat close. He coughed and tried again. “Hyung, what do you do when everything seems hopeless?”

“You fight it,” Jungkook said without hesitation. “I know that sometimes it feels easier to give in and… and hurt yourself – shut yourself away - but you have to fight it.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“Sanha-ya, I’m going to be brutally honest with you. It’s been about a month since my hyungs saved my life,” Jungkook didn’t show any emotion on his face, even when Sanha sucked in a horrified breath. “Rock bottom for me was throwing up pills and watching my hyungs sob over me. It really opened my eyes to all the things I would have been throwing away. I would have missed out on the crickets singing and the breeze and the way the stars seem to dance.”

“Hyung…”

“Sanha-ya, promise me something?” Jungkook cut him off. Sanha nodded without unfurrowing his eyebrows. “Promise me that you’ll keep fighting whatever it is that’s trying to make you give up.”

“I don’t think I can-”

“I can’t go to another funeral Sanha…” Jungkook whispered and Sanha felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Jungkook sounded so broken. “I can’t see another friend buried. Please… please keep fighting.”

“I promise hyung.” Sanha couldn’t let Jungkook down. The older idol blinked at him once before letting tears silently run down his face. He smiled at Sanha – the kind of smile that seemed to radiate happiness and relief, that seemed to thank Sanha all on its own for surviving – before he pulled the younger boy into a tight hug.

“Thank you,” he said into Sanha’s shoulder. Sanha hugged Jungkook back, feeling the older boy shake a little under his fingers. “Thank you…”

“You don’t have to-”

“YOON SANHA, YOU ARE SO DEAD!” A voice screamed, cutting off whatever Sanha was going to say. He found himself being ripped out of Jungkook’s embrace and locked into another. He recognized Jinwoo’s familiar smell as the arms around him tightened even more.

“What were you thinking?” Another voice chimed in. Jooheon came rushing up, his face red and dripping with sweat. He must have run all the way from the dorms, Sanha realized with a pang of guilt. “Where have you been?”

“I just went for a walk.”

“Without telling anyone? You know you’re not supposed to leave the dorm without telling anyone! We were going crazy!” Jinwoo yelled his ear off and the pang of guilt turned into a knife that was carving Sanha’s chest open.

“I didn’t think it would be a problem,” Sanha tried to defend himself. “I was only going to step out for a little bit.”

“Sanha, it’s been almost three hours!”

“What?” Sanha gasped. He didn’t even realize how late it had gotten. No wonder they were all so worried. He could see the others running up to the footbridge, all in various stages of panting and crying.

“He’s been with me. I’m sorry for keeping him so late.” Jungkook jumped in, trying to defuse the situation some. Everyone looked at him, but no one seemed too thrilled to talk to anyone but Sanha at that moment. Thankfully, Jinwoo still seemed to have his head about him.

“Thank you, Jungkook-ssi,” He said, his words sounding stiff. “We were very worried about Sanha, but I feel a little better knowing he was in good company.”

“It was my pleasure. Sanha-ya is a bright kid.” Jungkook smiled at Sanha, who barely managed to muster up the courage to return it.

“I’m sorry for any problems we might have caused.” Jinwoo sounded close to tears again.

“There was no problems at all, I promise.”

“Thank you again for taking care of Sanha.”

“If you ever need to get in contact with me, don’t hesitate okay? The more people you have supporting you, the stronger you’ll be.” Jungkook said to everyone, but looking pointedly at Sanha, who was trying his hardest not to stare at the ground.

“Thank you hyung.” Sanha whispered. Jungkook gave him a small nod before turning and walking back towards the dorms over the bridge. The small crowed turned its attention on Sanha, who felt his stomach sink.

“Sanha, what the ever loving fuck did you think you were doing?” Jinwoo asked, sounding less scary than when he screamed his maknae’s name mere minutes ago.

“I just wanted to go for a walk,” Sanha mumbled, trying to fight off the burn in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone.”

“Well, you worried us plenty. Why did you think it was a good idea to leave your phone in your room?”

“I wasn’t thinking about that…” Sanha let the tears fall, hating himself for feeling so weak. “I just wanted to go for a walk.”

“Why didn’t you ask one of us to go with you? None of would have minded-”

“Because I wanted to be alone!” Sanha snapped, his voice getting louder. “I know you’re just worried about me but… but I’m going crazy! I can’t even pee without having someone hovering outside the door! I’m sorry I worried you, but I just needed to get out!” He huffed loudly after his outburst, angry tears running down his red face. Everyone stared at him in shock at his outburst. He looked from face to face, his anger fading when he realized who was missing.

“Sanha-”

“Where’s Changkyun hyung?” He asked, suddenly sounding like a child. Everyone glanced at each other, almost as if trying to argue who should speak without saying anything.

Finally Jooheon stepped forward a little.

“Sanha-ya,” He sounded like he was trying to comfort a cornered animal. “Changkyun is back at your dor. Dongmin-ya and Kihyun hyung stayed behind with him, so when he wakes up he isn’t-”

“Wakes up?” Sanha’s voice went up a pitch. “What happened?”

“He fainted,” Jooheon winced at how white the boy became at his words. “He worked himself into a panic attack when we realized you were missing and passed out…”

“Oh god…” Sanha felt lightheaded. “This is all my fault.”

“Sanha, no you can’t blame yourself-”

“But is it… I was being selfish and now Changkyun hyung is hurt and it’s all my fault.” Sanha stared at nothing, fat tears rolling down his cheeks as if he hadn’t been crying just minutes ago. His whole body felt empty, and when Jinwoo took his hand he saw it more than felt it.

“Let’s go back, okay?” Jinwoo sounded much calmer. Sanha didn’t respond, he just kept crying. Jinwoo took his mankae’s hand started to tug him towards their dorm. Sanha followed without thinking, his mind a mess of half-finished thoughts and scary images that wouldn’t let him breathe without feeling like there was something about to puncture his lung,

“How did we get back so fast?” He murmered when Jinwoo tugged him through a doorway.

“We took a cab, Sanha,” Jinwoo sounded worried. “Remember?”

Sanha didn’t answer. He still felt numb. The second he was inside, he instantly tried looking for Changkyun. His eyes landed on the boy in question, who was sitting up on the couch looking like he had been hit by a car. Kihyun and Dongmin were sitting next to him, trying to coax what looked like hot tea into the young rapper. As soon as they made eye contact, Changkyun stood so quickly that he knocked the steaming tea on his leg but he didn’t even blink. He strode over to Sanha and pulled the boy into a hug so tight the younger thought he really was going to break a rib. When Changkyun finally pulled away, there were tears streaming down his face.

“How could you do that to me Sanha?” He whispered, his voice sounding rough. As if Sanha hadn’t felt guilty before, he now felt a hundred times worse.

“I’m so sorry hyung.” He whimpered, wanting Changkyun to hug him again. Unfortunately, the elder idol pulled away completely and turned his back to Sanha.

“Don’t apologize,” Changkyun’s words should have been reassuring, but his voice told another story. “Actually, don’t talk to me right now. I’m… I’m a little furious right now Sanha. You… you scared the shit out of me. I thought you had gone to kill yourself again and that I was never going to see you again. I… I don’t even think I was that scared when I tried to… fuck, Sanha what were you thinking?” Changkyun finally spun around to look at Sanha, who swallowed painfully before answering.

“I just… needed to be alone,” He answered honestly. “I know you all care about me, but I couldn’t spend another minute being under surveillance. I felt so trapped… then I ran into Jungkook hyung and we got talking and I didn’t realize how late it had gotten…”

“Sanha, go to sleep,” Changkyun said without any emotion. Sanha blinked at him, not sure how to respond. When the younger boy didn’t move, Changkyun snapped at him. “I am your hyung Sanha. I said go to bed.”

Sanha didn’t think twice before scrambling towards his room, sobbing gently as he tripped over the edge of the carpet on his way. When his door closed, Changkyun sunk to his knees. He could feel his members fluttering around him but he just waved them off.

“He’s okay,” He kept whispering to himself, his heartbeat almost painful in his chest. “Sanha is okay. He’s alive. He’s okay.”

Sanha didn’t hear Changkyun repeating his name like a mantra. All he heard was the disappointment and anger that was creating a blanket of tension in the air. He curled up in his bed and let out a sob, not knowing how to fix this. Everything had gone so wrong, and he was at a loss. He might try to act older, might try to use the fact that he was eighteen to get what he wanted, but really Sanha was scared. He was young and scared and he didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up the dorm was silent as death and there was a lump on the ground by his bed. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did he recognized the lump.

With a heavy heart, Sanha looked at Changkyun, who had curled up under some blankets and pillows that were obviously from the couch. The moon streaking through the window was reflected on the barely dried tear tracks going down the sleeping boy’s face. Sanha thought he was going to throw up. After everything that happened, Changkyun still stayed. He still cared enough to sleep on the uncomfortable floor, just for Sanha.

Sanha carefully stepped over Changkyun, who didn’t stir as the younger boy slipped out of the room. He went to the bathroom and flicked on the light, hissing as the sudden brightness stung his eyes. Rubbing away the dots in his vision, Sanha walked over to the sink and stared at his reflection. He looked the same, but at the same time he could barely recognize himself.

The Sanha that he knew was bright and ready for anything life threw at him. Though, that Sanha hadn’t been seen in a long time. This Sanha was different. He had the same eyes, and the same mouth and the same angle to his jaw, but this Sanha’s eyes were hardened and this Sanha’s mouth seemed permanently turned down at the edges. This Sanha looked tired. He reached a hand up to brush his bangs back when he suddenly remembered something. His eyes flitted to the space on top of the medicine cabinet – the space that normally was too small and high up to hold anything of importance. He extended his arm just a little bit more and let his fingers carefully feel along the edge.  
When his fingers bumped into something, he flinched back before surging forward again and grabbing it. It was small, wrapped in toilet paper and covered in a thin layer of dust. Sanha felt himself start to shake as he unwrapped the razor – the only one he had actually forgotten about. The other ones that he had hidden around the dorm had all been found, either by his hyungs or by himself and thrown out. The metal was just as shiny and unforgiving as he remembered it.

The guilt spiked again, making bile rise in the back of his throat. Not only did he disappoint everyone by running away and making them worry, he was going to disappoint them all over again. He was going to break their trust, wasn’t he? Sanha almost gathered the strength to put the razor down, but then the thought of Changkyun’s face popped into his mind – the image of the other boy looking betrayed and heartbroken. Sanha’s resolve strengthened and he brought the razor to the soft skin of his thigh. The scars there were healing, but still glaringly obvious.

The first line didn’t hurt much. He was shaking, so the cut was shallow and short. He steeled his nerves and tried again. The second cut was a little deeper and a little longer, but it still wasn’t enough. He was trying to bleed the guilt away, but with the amount of guilt in his chest Sanha mused he would have to completely bleed out to get rid of it all.

Before he could make a third line, a gentle hand was around his wrist.

Sanha whipped his head around and felt time stop as he saw Changkyun taking the razor from his fingers. The other boy didn’t say a word as he placed the blade on the edge of the sink and began dabbing at the cuts. Sanha didn’t hiss when Changkyun put a little too much pressure on the shallow lines. He just watched the other boy’s hands move, watched as Changkyun seemed unafraid to get the other’s blood on his fingers. Changkyun rummaged through the medicine cabinet before kneeling again, this time with a box of bandages in his hand. Just as silently he began covering the wounds. It wasn’t until he was finished cleaning Sanha’s leg and was just sitting there that Sanha broke.

“I’m sorry.” He quietly sobbed, not wanting to wake the others. Changkyun didn’t say anything for a moment, and Sanha thought he was going to be mad at him. He deserved it, for everything he had done to the older idol. He expected Changkyun to smack him, or yell at him, maybe ignore him completely. Instead, Changkyun pulled Sanha into an awkward hug. The way they were sitting on the floor didn’t leave a lot of space to embrace properly, but Sanha didn’t care. He sobbed into Changkyun’s shoulder, letting all his emotions out at once.

“Sanha-ya, why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I thought you were mad at me,” Sanha sounded miserable. “I didn’t want to make you hate me anymore…”

“I could never hate you Sanha, ever. I know I was harsh earlier, and I’m so sorry. I was just so scared of losing you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please stop apologizing,” Changkyun let Sanha rest his head on his shoulder and rocked their bodies until the younger idol calmed down to the point of almost falling asleep.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed, alright?”

Sanha just nodded, and Changkyun helped carry him back to his room.

“We’re going to talk about this tomorrow.” Changkyun said quietly.

“I know,” Sanha didn’t want to think of that just yet. “Just… can you sleep with me tonight? I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Of course.” Changkyun couldn’t help smile as Sanha moved to make room for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have referenced my other BTS story? Whoops if you wanna know what happened to Jungkook, check out Always There. It's seven chapters and it shows how Jungkook helps his members through their personal issues.  
> Also, I honestly considered abandoning this fic because when I'm writing I feel like there are plot points scattered everywhere and that there isn't a clear story line. I don't know why, but this fic definitely feels different from anything else I've written and I'm feeling a tab self conscious I guess. Maybe I'm just being too critical because I'm the one writing it but it's bothering me quite a bit.  
> Despite this, my mama may have raised a depressed, sarcastic asshole but she didn't raise a quitter. I'm going to finish this and maybe move onto a ship fic? If anyone had a band/ship they like I can try to make a story around it. Anticipate another chapter, two at the most.  
> And thank you for supporting this story. I know it's different from the other things I've written, and I know it's not as popular as my other fics but it really means a lot when you guys comment and tell me what you think about it and give suggestions.


	6. Chapter 6

_“I want to talk to someone, but I’m scared.”_ Sanha was trying harder to be more honest. He still found it near impossible to be open with his hyungs, the guilt of bothering them tended to choke him up before his words could. Gunner, on the other hand, was easier to talk to. There was something about talking to a faceless friend that couldn’t judge you or pity you that made it easier to open up and be honest.

 _“That’s a good first step!_ ” Gunner was very supportive of Sanha, something the younger boy really needed. _“You can always start with me. I’ll listen to anything you want to talk about.”_

 _“I feel so self-conscious,”_ Even as he was typing, Sanha could feel his stomach churning. _“I feel guilty when I want to talk to my hyungs because I know they’re all really worried about me and it feels like I’m being a bother.”_

_“Firstly, you could never be a bother Sanha. They care about you because they love you. They just want to see you happy again. Secondly, being afraid is kinda normal in this situation. Trust me. But at the same time, that’s the type of feeling you have to push through. Imagine a doorway that’s covered in plastic wrap. You push and push but you can’t quite get through. You have to slam against it and break the plastic if you ever want to move forward.”_

_“That’s a weird analogy… but it sort of makes sense.”_

_“See, you’re a bright kid. You’re going to be okay, I can tell.”_

_“How would I even bring this up?”_ Sanha licked his dry lips, feeling self-conscious. Part of him knew what Gunner was going to say, but that same part of him hoped his friend could offer a different solution.

_“Sit them down, say ‘I wanna talk about some stuff’ then talk about what you’re thinking.”_

_“How did I know you were going to say that?”_

_“Because you’re almost as smart as me?_ ” Gunner’s use of smiley faces and silly emojis never failed to make Sanha smile.

 _“Almost.”_ Sanha grinned at his phone. _“I’ll try. I don’t know how well it’s going to work though.”_

_“Trust me. You’re going to be okay. You just need to trust your hyungs and trust yourself.”_

_“If you’re sure…”_

_“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this. It’s going to be shit. It’s going to be rough and scary and you’re going to relapse and feel like crap but in the end things will get better. The sun will shine again. It’s just up to you to fight through the storm until it passes, and when it does you’re going to have to do one of the hardest things. You’re going to have to learn to forgive yourself for the things that have happened. It’s going to feel impossible, but once you do you’ll see how worth it everything was. I promise.”_

_“Thank you Gunner,”_ Sanha blinked back tears. He never expected something like that from the other boy. “ _Wish me luck.”_

_“Sanha fighting!”_

Sanha put his phone down and walked out of his bedroom, looking for his hyungs. They were scattered through the dorm, enjoying the day off while they could before schedules came back and kicked their asses.

“Hyung, can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked softly enough for only Jinwoo to hear. The older boy put down his phone and nodded, gesturing for Sanha to follow him. The two idols left the dorm and took a short walk to the park that, while usually filled with children, was empty. It was a small park, with a play fort made of colorful plastic, a set of swings and other things for kids to play on, as well as benches under the tree lined path, where parents would sit and watch their children from a safe distance. Neither spoke until they were seated on the swings.

“What’s on your mind Sanha-ya?” Jinwoo asked, kicking his feet a little so the swing would move gently.

“A lot,” Sanha copied him, letting the swing rock back and forth lightly. “Gunner told me I needed to burst through the plastic wrap.”

“I don’t think I know what that means but go ahead.”

“Um, I don’t really know where to start now that we’re here.” He said honestly. Jinwoo glanced over and him and offered a small smile.

“What if I asked you questions and you talked based of that?” He offered, knowing it was easier to answer questions than come up with things on your own. Sanha nodded, his shoulders relaxing a little. “Alright, how has your stomach been feeling? We’re glad to see you’re finally filling back out again.”

“I feel healthier, but my mind still screams at me sometimes,” Sanha kicked the dirt with the toe of his shoe. “Like, I fit in my clothing better, and I actually have more energy now but at the same time I can barely pass a mirror without wanting to gag. I can’t look at food without trying to count the calories before I remember that I’m supposed to eat. All my bad habits are still there, but I’m just working harder to ignore them I guess.”

“I feel like that’s kind of natural. You had those thoughts for a really long time, and things like that aren’t just fixed overnight. But, it’s really good to hear that you’re fighting it. That means you want to get better, right?”

“I do… but sometimes I just want to give up. I want to throw everything up and hurt myself and push everyone away again. I’m happier now, with you and the hyungs from Monsta X. I’m happier now that I’m being more honest and opening up a little at a time and learning how to accept myself but at the same time… I can’t help but want the pain again. I want that empty feeling in my chest. I want to feel desolate… does that make me some kind of freak?” Sanha couldn’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes. He was finally saying the things that had been eating away at him for weeks, and it almost hurt. Jinwoo looked at the younger boy for a moment before answering.

“I don’t think so,” He said carefully. “I mean, again – you lived with these thoughts and feelings for a long time. I guess it wasn’t hard to almost find comfort in them because they were so familiar? So it makes sense that you want that familiarity back again… and the fact that you know it isn’t good to go back shows that you’re aware of the habits, which is a really good sign.”

“I feel like it’s taking me too long to get better. I can’t help but feel that I should be over this already. It’s been weeks and yet I still feel like crying all the time.”

“It takes time. Would you expect Minhyuk to dance again the day after spraining his ankle?” Jinwoo asked, and Sanha shook his head mutely. “Exactly. The brain is as much of an organ as your stomach or heart. If you had the flu would you be mad at yourself for needing rest to get better? Of course not. Your brain is a little sick, but we’re working to heal it, right?”

“I didn’t think of it like that…” Sanha mumbled, kicking at the dirt again.

“Sanha, have you relapsed at all?” Jinwoo asked, sounding small. Sanha tensed, his knuckles turning white against the chain of the swing. “Please don’t lie to me.”

“A few days ago,” the boy whispered, feeling shame sting the back of his throat. “When I went missing and Changkyun hyung fainted. I felt so guilty for worrying everyone and… hyung sounded to mad at me and then he ended up staying over to watch me… I snapped. I didn’t mean to. I honestly forgot the razor was there and… it was just two small cuts, I swear. Hyung found me and put bandages on them and talked to me in the morning…”

“Why didn’t you come to one of us?” Jinwoo tried not to sound hurt, but the thought of his maknae, alone and bleeding in the bathroom made the leader think about just how many times in the past the younger boy was in the same situation, and had no one to stop him.

“I didn’t want anyone to find out. I didn’t want you to think I was weak.” Sanha wiped his cheek on his sleeve and sniffled, almost afraid to look at the other boy. Jinwoo made a sound in the back of his throat before grabbing the chain of Sanha’s swing and pulling it so the two were facing each other.

“You are not weak Sanha. Never, ever say something like that about yourself,” He made the younger boy keep eye contact. He needed to make sure Sanha knew. “We could never be disappointed in you, do you understand? We… we know that relapsing and messing up is all part of healing. We just want you to be happy again.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, please,” Jinwoo used his free hand to wipe away more tears that were threatening to soak Sanha’s shirt collar. “Sanha, have you… have you been having any suicidal thoughts recently?”

“You sound like a real therapist, hyung.” Sanha said with a watery chuckle.

“Ah, well I’ve been doing some reading online,” Jinwoo blushed a little at how perceptive the other boy was. He rubbed the back of his head with a chuckle of his own. “I wanted to see what I could do to help you, you know?”

Sanha didn’t say anything. He just stood from the swing and wrapped Jinwoo in a hug that ended up dragging the shorter boy off his own swing. Jinwoo’s arms instantly came up and wrapped around the taller boy, who buried his face in his leader’s shoulder. Sanha wasn’t crying, but Jinwoo could tell by the warm breath hitting his skin that the younger boy was close.

“Thank you…” Sanha whispered, tightening his hold. “I love you hyung.”

“I love you too Sanha,” Jinwoo smiled, his own eyes starting to sting. “I just want to see you happy again.”

“I haven’t,” Sanha said as he pulled away from the embrace. Jinwoo blinked at him, trying to figure out what he meant. His mind was still on Sanha’s reaction to finding out he had done research to help him. Sanha must have realized Jinwoo was slightly lost because he kept talking. “Haven’t had any s-suicidal thoughts. Not really at least.”

“What do you mean?” Jinwoo sat back on the swing, waiting for Sanha to do the same.

“I mean… what do I mean?” Sanha asked himself. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before continuing. “Well, I’ve had moments where I felt like I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up for a few years, and times when I sort of felt like existing was too much work but it’s never been bad enough to make me want to actually do anything to myself.”

“That’s…” Jinwoo let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “That’s a good start. I’m really proud of you Sanha. I can only imagine how hard all of this must be on you and you’re taking it like a champ. I know you’re going to make it through this.”

“You’re the second person to tell me that today.” Sanha smiled and Jinwoo could see the old Sanha – the maknae that would giggle until he cried and scream at bugs and pout when they didn’t get ice cream but turned around and found a way to compromise anyway – and Jinwoo thought his chest was going to burst.

“Yeah well, you have some really smart people in your life.”

“Oh hush,” Sanha laughed again, the sound bouncing off the trees around them. “Should we get back?”

“Nah, we still have some time before the others will start wondering where we are,” Jinwoo said before suddenly turning to Sanha with a mischievous grin. He stood and shoved Sanha, who barely managed to grab onto the chains and catch himself. “Tag! You’re it!” He screamed as he bolted away. It took Sanha exactly 0.2 seconds to react.

“Not for long!” He called, sprinting after Jinwoo, who was already halfway across the park. As Sanha ran, his chest seemed to lighten enough that he was finally able to breathe again.

* * *

  
“Are you sure it’s not too much trouble?” Sanha asked, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. It had taken a lot of courage to contact the other idol again, despite having his number and explicit permission to call him at any time.

“Sanha-ya, stop doubting yourself,” Jungkook scolded without any heat. “Besides, I want to treat you to coffee. Why would that me any trouble?”

“I don’t know…” Sanha felt his ears burn as the other idol led him over to a table in the corner of the shop. Jungkook was the one who suggested the café. Apparently it was run by Big Hit, and was one of the few places idols could go without being trampled. Sanha made a mental note to tell the others about it when he got back.

“So, you said there was something you wanted to talk about?” Jungkook said carefully, not wanting to scare the boy. Sanha took a gulp of his drink, almost burning his tongue in the process. He took a deep breath before answering.

“Hyung I… I want to see a professional about all of this…” He picked at a fraying hole in his jeans, feeling his face heat up. “I’m scared though… I don’t know who to go to or what to say. I have a lot of worries, like what if it gets out to the public? Or what if I’m removed from Astro?”

“First of all, the fact that you admitted to wanting help yourself is… phenomenal,” Jungkook seemed at a loss of words for a moment before he continued. “Secondly, I can help you with that. I know someone you can talk to, with one hundred percent secrecy. No media, no press. She was the one I talked to when Joonie hyung finally convinced me to go, and if Changkyun saw anyone, it was probably her.”

“Really?” Sanha felt light headed. He had brought up the idea to Jinwoo, but his leader was at a loss. Jinwoo didn’t know anyone, and had no idea how to keep it out of the public eye.

“Really. I can get her contact information to your manager if you’d like?”

“Yes please.” Sanha breathed, feeling slightly numb – in a good way.

“What are you thinking about?” Jungkook asked, seeing something change in Sanha’s eyes.

“Things really are going to work out, aren’t they?” Sanha couldn’t help but smile at the boy across from him. “Everyone keeps saying that it’s going to be okay but I never really believed them but… but it really is going to be okay.”

That was what Jungkook had seen in Sanha’s eyes. He had the privilege to see the hope return to the eyes of a boy that had so much to live for. He wondered faintly who was the one to see the hope return to his own eyes. The thought made him want to cry, but instead he grinned at Sanha and handed him a napkin.

“If you want, I can see if I can come with you to your first appointment too.” He offered, watching Sanha’s already large eyes widen even more.

“You can do that?” He asked, sounding younger than ever. Jungkook remembered how relieved he felt when Namjoon offered the same thing to him and nodded to the younger boy.

“And if I can’t make it, I’m sure Jinwoo or Changkyun hyung wouldn’t mind going with you.”

“Thank you… thank you hyung.” Sanha couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He never thought he would have so much support, especially not from such strange places.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Jungkook said again before an idea hit him. “Though, I have a proposition for you, if you’re game.”

“What is it?”

“Well…”

* * *

  
“Are you ready, Sanha-ya?” Changkyun came over to the younger boy, who was fidgeting with the hem of his costume jacket.

“I think so.” Sanha whispered, trying to hide the nerves that were causing his voice to break. He took a final look at himself in the mirror.

He had gained more weight, his cheeks finally back to the roundness they were supposed to have. His hair was different, the usual curls replaced with a side part and blue streaks in his bangs. They had done his make-up subtly, the red around his eyes matched the red of his jacket perfectly. The jacket was the only real color in his outfit, though, which was plain black pants and a black shirt that was loose and comfortable.

Changkyun was dressed similarly, the red being the main pop of color, though his pinstripe pants added a little extra emphasis. Sanha couldn’t believe this was really happening.

“You guys ready? They’ve almost finished seating everyone.” Jungkook poked his head into the dressing room, dressed to match the other two.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Sanha grinned, his nervous stomach fluttering wildly. The three boys walked backstage, already hearing the crowd calling for them. When the lights dimmed, the crowd began to cheer and scream. Thankfully, Sanha’s in ear was working perfectly so when the music started, his clear voice filled the speakers without any problems.

Their first song was slow and soft, contrary to how most concerts start. The three took their time making their way on stage, each moving carefully with the music. Their voices blended together perfectly, and Sanha was already tearing up. When the first song ended, the three idols were standing on the apron of the stage, side by stage.

“Welcome everyone, to a history-making event.” Jungkook started, his eyes shining.

“This marks an important day,” Changkyun continued, his deep voice rolling over the crowd. “We’re doing something here tonight that has never been done before, and we never would have been able to do it without all of you.” Sanha knew his lines were coming up next, and he froze. Jungkook and Changkyun glanced over him with worry.

“Tonight,” he managed to say without his voice cracking. “We sing to those who have battled with mental illness. We sing to those who need a friend. We sing for those who lost their fight.”

“All of the ticket sales have gone to start a program right here in Seoul, where teenagers and young adults can come and seek help without any stigma or fear of being attacked.”

“The three of us up here tonight have a story to tell, and we hope you listen with open minds and open hearts.” Jungkook looked over at Sanha with a soft smile.

“We’ve worked very hard on this special stage, and we hope you continue to follow and support this cause.” He said, his voice gaining confidence and strength. The three took hands and gave a small bow before Changkyun stepped forward, beginning his rap.

Each had prepared a solo – a song to tell their stories to the masses. It had taken weeks of trial and error, but because of the help they gave each other and the help given to them from their members, they were able to make this dream a reality.

Jungkook went next, singing about how he cared for his hyungs but forgot to care for himself. Sanha felt tears running down his face before it was even his turn to go up. When it was his turn, he almost bolted off the stage. If it weren’t for the comforting touches of his friends, he might have done just that. Instead, he stepped forward and held the mic up to his mouth.

His song was different from the other two. He sang about his fears and his insecurities and how they broke him down piece by piece. He sang about how his friends found him and helped him piece himself back together again. He sang about finding the courage to seek help and the pain of relapsing. Sanha sang his heart out, not caring when the tears streaming down his face caused his voice to crack. The crowed had been silent as death as the three sang their stories. It was only after Sanha’s song ended and the final note faded that the crowd exploded.

Sanha looked out and saw signs being held by fans who were openly sobbing. Many read things like ‘thank you’ and ‘fighting’ and ‘we believe in you’. The sight warmed Sanha’s heart and he suddenly felt overwhelmed. They were about to sing another song when he stepped forward. Jungkook and Changkyun were at his side instantly, wondering if he was okay.

“I know I’m breaking the program a little,” Sanha said with a watery chuckle. “But, but I need to say something. I see your signs. I see your faces. I can see how many of you are relating to our songs, and I have a message for each and every one of you.”

He looked from the far left of the stage across the crowd to the far right, taking in everything. He felt Jungkook take his free hand and Changkyun wrap his arms around his waist. He smiled and choked back a sob.

“Things may look hard now, but you’re going to be okay,” He said, his words sounding muffled from his tears. “You’re going to have to fight your way up the hill, but when you reach the top you’ll be able to see the sunrise and everything up until that moment will be worth it. All the tears, and the sleepless night and the scars and the nightmares and the fears will be justified by how light you’ll feel. You’ll see, I promise it. You will be okay, and you’ll have us cheering you on the entire time. You’re never, ever alone.”

The crowd exploded and Sanha turned to bury his face into Jungkook’s shoulder. He knew his sobs were being picked up by the microphone on the older idol’s jacket but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

When the special stage ended, the three boys lined up on the stage and gave a final bow, grinning through their tears as the crowd cheered and screamed for them. Jungkook stepped forward first to give his final speech.

“Hello everybody,” He said, grinning his famous bunny smile through the tears. “My name is Jeon Jungkook, and I’m exactly two hundred and fifty seven days clean. I know that might not make sense to some, but to those who understand, thank you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my hyungs, and for that I could never thank them enough, just like I could never thank you enough for coming and supporting our message tonight.”

“I’m Changkyun, though many of you know me as IM,” Changkyun stepped forward next, taking Jungkook’s hand. “I’m sure many of you knew what happened during the N.O. Mercy before our debut, but the real story wasn’t as public. I was depressed, scared and lonely. When my hyungs found me, it was almost too late. Now I’ll carry the evidence of my attempt on my arms for the rest of my life. I’ve had people ask why I won’t get cosmetic surgery, but I think of them more like badges of courage rather than something to be ashamed of. They show the world that I hit rock bottom but I managed to fight my way back up again.”

“I’m Yoon Sanha,” Sanha stepped forward just as Changkyun had done, taking the rapper’s hand. “See, the thing about having depression at a young age is you never really get to know who you were supposed to be. You never really know what kind of person you were supposed to grow into. I thought I would never find myself again… but now I can laugh with my hyungs. I can joke and smile and be happy without feeling guilt eating away at me. Sometimes I fall back into that hole of self-depreciation, but that’s okay. It’s okay to relapse and fall behind, because that proves that you’re fighting towards getting better. Thank you, everyone, for supporting us. We’re right there next to you, fighting for a brighter tomorrow.”

The three took their final bows together, grinning and crying. Sanha used his free hand to slip out his in ear and let the roar of the crowd make his head ring. They bowed again before waving and slowly making their way off stage.

* * *

  
“You’ve blown up.” Namjoon commented with a smile. Since the three maknaes began working together, the three idol groups spent a lot of time in each other’s company, so having everyone together in one dorm was cramped but not unusual.

“The majority is positive, as expected.” Kihyun read over Namjoon’s shoulder.

“A lot of other idols have come forward to talk about their depression and mental illness because of you guys.” Jinwoo couldn’t be prouder of his maknae.

“There’s been nonstop donations to your program,” Namjoon spoke up again. He pulled up an email that their program manager sent them with an update. “Looks like a lot has come from international fans. Links are all over twitter and instagram to the donation page.”

“Do we know how many people have…?” Sanha was curious how many people – if any – had come to the buildings that housed their program to use the services but didn’t know if that was something he was allowed to ask. He saw Changkyun and Jungkook smile at him.

“I stopped by earlier today,” Changkyun said as he settled onto Jooheon’s lap. “The lobby was packed. There were a lot of people who were just asking for information but when I asked they said all the volunteers were busy with how many were signing up.”

“We did it.” Sanha whispered, scrunching his eyes tight. All eyes turned to look at him curiously.

“What?” Jinwoo rubbed his maknae’s back, letting the younger boy cry. Sanha looked up, eyes sparking from the tears but also from another emotion. His whole face seemed to glow from the smile the stretched across his cheeks.

“We made a difference.” He said, laughing happily.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has been reading and supporting this. I actually really like how this ended, which I was surprised about seeing how iffy I was feeling about it all.  
> This is the end of this fic, but I'll definitely be back soon with some more bullshit hurt/comfort so look forward to that!

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who's read my other works, surprise it's another hurt comfort fic and by surprise I mean wow this isn't shocking at all because this is all I write ever.  
> I've been wanting to write more since I finished IM Strong but I've been the type of Sad tm that makes it impossible to move, ya know?  
> I don't know how long this fic will actually be, but I'm hoping to make it longer than my last two. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know! I'm always open to new ideas.


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